Thursday Things

1) SHUT.THE.FRONT.DOOR.

NKOTB plus Boyz II Men (!!!!!!) plus 98 Degrees?  In concert?  TOGETHER?  Yes please and thank you very much. 

I'm already planning to make my way to Chicago for the concert there.  I've informed my girl MoMo that she's going with me and we WILL be wearing NKOTB t-shirts.  Say it with me now: "Squeeeee!"

2) So, let's talk about my daughter and the fact that she has, as of late, become infatuated with horses.  That's all good and stuff, I guess, but she leaves off the last few letters of the word when she talks about horses.  Meaning, she talks about "whores."  "My whore jammies!' "I see a whore!" And, yes, she even climbs on my back and yells, "Giddy-up, whore!"  Fun times, y'all.  Fun. Times.

3) Tuesday night's season finale of Parenthood.  Let's discuss.  First off, Lauren Graham is one of the most amazing actors of a generation.  Loved her as Lorelai Gilmore and possibly love her even more as Sarah Braverman.  She is just so REAL and totally becomes her character.  Love her.

Now.  I absolutely love Parenthood but I was a little disappointed in Tuesday night's show.  P'hood is not ever known for a nice wrap up.  They don't just make it all work out at the end of the hour long show.  But this time . . . for the most part, everything just wrapped up nicely.  And THAT makes me worry that they won't be bringing it back next season.

And that?  Y'all.  I don't even want to THINK about it.  At least when they took Friends off the air we knew it was the last episode and we were able to have parties with Friends trivia and shots of vodka to numb the pain a little bit.  I said a little bit.

4) Sometimes . . . occasionally . . . my commitment to my DVR becomes a little overwhelming.  I mean, here it is already Thursday again and I still haven't watched last week's Parks and Rec OR The Office.  And I still have to find time to watch the latest episode of Girls.  Yeah, totally realize that's only three shows.  Ignore me.

5) Kyan and Karis absolutely LOVE the movie Madagascar 3 and want to watch it every single time we get in the car.  Never mind if we're just running up the road!  Gotta watch "Gas Car!"  Thing is, neither of them will wear headphones.  Which means I've heard Madagascar 3 roughly 29034290 times but never actually watched the entire thing.  I can quote it word for word.  And I've decided that Alex (Ben Stiller) has a sexy voice.  Also? "Bring me your huddled masses, baby!" "Only penguins and people can drive!" "Bolshevic!" "I'm like a candy cane in a black and white movie!"  I'll stop now.

6) Eddie likes to rent cars when we go out of town.  A little bit because he just likes to rent cars and also because our vehicles have mileage warranties on them.  He rented me a brand spankin' new Chrysler 300 to take to Arkansas last weekend.  And now?  I WANT.  I never would've looked twice at that car but, ahhhh, the features.  A heated steering wheel!  Cup holders that'll either heat or cool, whichever you prefer.  Yeah.  Again - WANT.

7) We filed our taxes yesterday.  That, my friends, is just exactly how exciting life gets 'round these parts in January.

8) The school system Jaidan goes to (and where Kyan will go next year!) released their proposed caendar for next school year.  The kids will start the first of August and go until right before Memorial Day.  I'm not happy with this.  I'd rather them start mid-August and go to the very end of May -- and maybe not have so many days off during the actual school year (i.e. they don't need a full week for Fall Break -- HELLO!  Fall Break didn't even exsist when I was a kid -- and do they really need off for President's Day and Veteran's Day?  And, here's an idea!  Maybe they should make Spring Break fall the same week as Easter so they already have Good Friday off).  I'm just saying.  The school really should consult ME about things like this.  Right?  Right.

9) How my marriage works:
Him: "You know how you're leaving for New York on our anniversary?"
Me; "Yeah."
Him: "NBA All Star game is the weekend after Valentine's Day.  It would make a lot more sense if I left on Thursday . . . which is Valentine's Day . . . "
Me: "Let's celebrate on Wednesday."
Him: "Deal!"
Works.

10) That's right:

What Instagram and My Phone Say We've Been up to Lately

So I've really been phoning it in on this blog thing lately and guess what?  Today doesn't get any better!  One of these days the weather will warm up, my mojo will come back, and I'll feel like doing a little more than just laying around eating chocolate chip cookie dough and crying over the fact that this season of Parenthood is over.  In the meantime, a look at what Instagram and my phone say we've been up to lately.

Jaidan's behavior chart at school.  Not only was he forging my initials when he DID GOOD but, man, did he nail it or what?  I still have so much to teach that boy . . .

 

Horrible, awful, no good, very bad horse faced picture of Yours Truly but who can resist a toddler throwing up gang signs?  

 

The kiddos and I went to Arkansas for the long weekend.  Pawpaw's birthday was Friday so Saturday morning, I had to go by and wish him a happy (belated) birthday. 

If you happen to know my Pawpaw, then you know this stone is so absolutely perfect for him.  At the risk of sounding a little weird -- it makes me happy.  Even though he is gone and we miss him, it's nice (I guess?) that we have such a "Pawpaw" marker for him.

 

Mawmaw put the brats to work!

 

I TOLD Eddie I wanted to get her a dollhouse for Christmas!

 

We met up with a couple of my high school besties while we were in town.  Shanna and me with our mini's!

Between the three of us we have two six-year-olds, three four-year-olds, one two-year-old, and a newborn!

 

This little gem is hanging in one of the guest rooms of my grandmother's house.

It was the 80's.  'Nuff said.

 

These cookies remind me SO MUCH of high school.  It seems like every teacher I had bought Ed's Bakery smiley face cookies for a treat from time to time.  I had to pick some up while I was in town.  And was . . . so disappointed!  They tasted like they'd been in the case since 1996!

 

Stopped at Burger King on the way  home and Karis crowned Kikey a princess.

She has also taken to telling them they're "quibby" which is Karis speak for pretty.  The other day Jaidan told me I needed to start telling Kare Bear she's "handsome" so she'll quit referring to him as quibby . . .

 

I forgot my sunglasses yesterday morning and had to run back in the house to get them.  When I came back out . . . this.  Sigh.

 

Jaidan "bear-walked" arond the entire gym during PE yesterday.  Apparently, this is a pretty big deal -- something that even some fifth graders aren't able to do.  The PE coaches, his class, and his teacher were all really proud of him.  His teacher sent home this note.  Jaidan was SO PROUD of himself.  I was pretty proud of the little guy too!

 

Thursday Things

1) Five Guys Burgers.

We went there on a trip to Savannah back in 2011.  I was sick, though, and could not taste so much as a single bite of the burger I ordered.  My family, the assholes, mmmm'd and ahhhh'd and pretty much went all about their business of letting me know that the burgers were amazing.  We had one open in town several months ago and I wanted to check it out but HOLY LINES, BATMAN. 

I fnally went last week.  It's now my new favorite chain burger place. Thank you, Five Guys, for coming to Memphis!

2) We had a "winter weather event" in the mid-south the beginning of the week.  Basically that means one thing: ice.  Did you know, in this part of the country, they release schools when there's a winter storm warning?  As in, nothing has to actually fall from the sky before they release them?  Yeah, both Jaidan and Z had an early release on Tuesday -- and we were informed of the release before there was even any precip at all.  Fun stuff.  We ended up with some freezing rain and slick roads and, OMG, is it summer yet?

Anyhow, someone posted this on Facebook and, yeah, SO TRUE.

3) I'm kind of in love with the ibotta app.  You've probably already heard of it -- it's been all over the couponing blogs for a few weeks now.  Basically, it has different stuff for you to check out on the app -- read some trivia or a recipe, share on Facebook, etc -- each thing earns you a little bit of money (think a quarter) but it adds up.  After you go shopping, you send a picture of your receipt and you get the money for anything you bought that you browsed through on the ibotta app.  It's pretty cool.  I made about $4 yesterday just getting stuff I'd normally buy.  (Note: if you sign up through the link in this paragraph then I think I get, like, $1 the first time you use the app).

4) My little '06 Asshole received - for the second quarter in a row! - an award for excellent conduct.  I'm still trying to figure out how this kid can have absolutely perfect behavior at school and come home a full blow asshole.  At least he's good at school.  The kindergarten teachers already smile fondly at Kyan and I can only imagine them thinking they wouldn't mind having him in their class next year.  Keep on thinkin' that, kindergarten teachers.  Keep on thinkin' that.

Anyway, J and I went to Pizza Hut after school yesterday to celebrate his accomplishment.  I am super proud of this goofy kid.

5) A week, maybe two, ago I said something about NBC finally realizing that we the people love Parenthood and want more of us and were giving us what we want.  Yeah.  About that.  The season finale is next week.  Next week!  January!  F word, f word, f word!

6) I'm trying very hard to keep up with the random acts of kindness the kids and I were doing over the holidays, inspired by the #26acts campaign.  One thing that I've discovered is there are little acts of kindness that we probably never thought of before.  For instance: school drop off.  It can be a NIGHTMARE.  There is a steady stream of traffic and hard for anyone who parks in front of the school to get out.  I've made it a point to allow one or two people to get out.  It doesn't take much of anything away from me and I KNOW it's a relief to the person I'm showing that little RAK to.

7) I totally have a girl crush on Lena Dunham.  Girl crushing on her now (when everyone else is girl crushing on her) goes against everything I believe in.  But I can't help it.  She's edgy.  She pushes the envelope.  And girlfriend does not care that her body goes against everything Hollywood stands for. You go, Lena.

8) Words of the week are conspiracy and theory.  One of them (you can probably guess which one!) makes me want to punch baby bunnies every.single.time I see it posted on Facebook with an "OMG!"  The other one, the theory that Manti Te'o completely fabricated the story of his grandmother and girlfriend dying within hours of each other -- well, all I know is I love a good conspiracy theory when it leaves me unsure of whether to make a joke about Mormons or Notre Dame.  I have friends who are Mormon, though, so I'll go with the *insert your Notre Dame joke here* instead.  Really, though, Te'o?  REALLY?  Come on, dude.  I'll give you this much -- there's no telling how many people got wasted taking a shot every time your little story was mentioned during a Notre Dame game. 

9) Kyan, Karis, and I went to play at McDonald's yesterday morning.  Well, Kyan played.  Regina George refuses to deign herself to play with the commoners.  Instead, she commandeered my iPad.  I looked over and saw this:



SHE WAS ON PINTEREST!

If that doesn't say "she's my girl" then I don't know what does.

10) I usually like to add something funny ha ha at the end of my Thursday list but today I'm loving this:

You are Gonna Want to Pin the Hell Out of this Shit Because it's theGreatest Cleaning Secret EVER

{Source}

I'm hoping you can all forgive me for posting a cleaning tip. Actually I'm pretty sure you will when you realize just how brilliant this is.

Let me tell you what happened.

The other day, the boys decided they wanted to "clean."  By all means, be my guest!  I gave them a couple of rags and sprayed some cleaner on them (I prefer the Clorox green stuff.  It smells good and it makes me feel better about using disposable water bottles and the occasional paper plate).  I let the boys go to town.  They swiped the rags over the kitchen floor and any counter tops and surfaces they could reach.

I did not clean a damn thing.  Okay?

When Eddie came home from work that night he told me, "house looks great!" 

Seriously?  I'm judging myself for not scheming this up sooner.  I didn't have to scrub toilets or mop floors and the house looked great?

So here's your cleaning tip:  Get yourself some cleaning spray, a few rags, and a couple of kids (I have a few you can borrow.  FOR FREE).  Saturate those rags with cleaning spray and throw them at the kids.  Then let them get to "cleaning."  It doesn't really matter what surfaces they're scrubbing. You're going after that good clean smell anyway.

Meanwhile, you can sit back and enjoy a cocktail and a Roseanne marathon.

Genius, I tell ya.  GENIUS.

Okay, Men, Divert Your Eyes. I'm Going to Talk about Girl Stuff. Like Tubal Ligations and Periods.

I have serious doubts that anyone with a penis actually reads this blog but a disclaimer is always nice, right?  Good.  Cause here's another one: this entry might be a little bit on the TMI side of things.  HOWEVER.  After a discussion on Facebook yesterday, I decided that it's something that needs to be talked about.  When I had my tubes tied there was no one to say, "OMG, DON'T DO IT." 

So.  If you're considering getting your tubes tied: OMG, DON'T DO IT.

I had mine done following my c-section with Karis.  We knew we didn't want to have anymore  children and, really, it was a no-brainer.  I was already going to be having surgery so we'd knock out two birds with one stone.  I didn't really research the procedure.  I only had one person tell me that she had period problems after and, honestly, I thought a little more frequent/ heavier periods would be worth the reassurance of permanent birth control.

What I did not realize, did not know, was that having a tubal ligation would make me CRAY CRAY.

Thing is, one of the (many) afflictions of being female is that as soon as you mess with anything below the belt, you're pretty much just asking for your hormones to go berserk.  I blame that bitch Eve.

I have "PMS" for two weeks out of every month.  I have symptoms when I ovulate and again before/ during my period.  And when I say "symptoms" I mean I'm either homicidal bitch or depressed bitch.  The "raging anger" usually hits hardest around the time I ovulate.  Every little thing pisses me off.  I'm on the warpath.  You don't want to get in my way.  I could go on and on.  You get the picture: I am ANGRY.  If I'm not feeling homicidal, I'm sad.  So sad.  About anything and everything.  I cry over nothing and I cry about everything.  It's better than being angry but it's still not fun.  Not fun at all.  And this goes on for two weeks out of every single month.  I know I need to talk to my doctor and do something (hormonal birth control - noooooo! - or pills to control the crazy) but I've drug my feet on it because, well, I don't know.  Just because. 

In addition to the crazy mood swings, there are also the physical side effects of having a tubal done.  Riding the crimson wave is never, ever, ever fun.  Ever.  But, since having my tubes tied, it's worse than ever.  I've always had bad cramps and they're even worse.  I cramp when I ovulate and also right before my period starts and sometimes the cramps can be excruciating.  If a month goes by where they're not bad then I dread the next month because I know it's going to be a killer.  They are intense and they are agonizing -- to the point that they sometimes feel just as bad as labor!  Ummm, I had this whole thing done because I didn't WANT to ever deal with labor pains ever again!  Not only are the cramps hell, but my actual period is heavier and lasts longer.

If I could go back in time, there's no way I would have the tubal done.  If you're thinking of having one done, consider all your options.  Honestly, I think we'd have been much better off if I'd had the hubs get the old snip-snip-sniperoo (not as invasive, easy recovery, they don't get cray cray after they have it done).  I think I'd even rather take a birth control pill every day!  Seriously, folks, think about it and think long and hard.  Sometimes I think I'd rather have another kid in the mix than having to deal with the TLC (Tubal Ligation Crazy).

And, with that, I promise to never again talk about my periods!

Thursday Things

1) I haven't done a CBO (Cheap Bitch Outfit) in aaaages.  I think it's harder to dress on the cheap in the winter time.  And also? I really prefer tanktops and flipflops to sweaters and boots wif' da fur.  I think I've been rotating the same three sweaters all winter -- maybe jazzing it up with a different shirt underneath and alternating my brown and black boots.  BO-RING. 

This is what I wore to church Sunday:

Why am I doing the Angelina Jolie leg?  Please let me know when you figure it out.



This outfit is pretty underwhelming (i.e. BO-RING [again!]) but it was cheap to put together and my husband LOVED it.  Probably because I was out of yoga pants and the shirt wasn't holey, stained, or had been in my dresser since circa 1999.

Anyhow -- CBO stats:

Pants, The Limited, $2 yard sale find (they also made an appearance here!)
Shirt, Express, $1 yard sale find
Camisole, Forever 21, $3
Necklace, $3, Body Central
The boots were purchased back in 2007 -- making them older than two of my children.  Whatever I (And by I, I mean Eddie -- we weren't married at the time and hadn't combined our incomes) paid for them they were worth it because here it is six seasons later and I'm still wearing them.  Also, they came from Payless and I'm pretty sure they were in the $40 range.  Winning!

So not counting the boots (come on, ya'll, they were a GIFT) the whole outfit was about $10!

2) How about another type of CBO?

Cheap Baby Outfit.

One of the best things about having a baby girl?  LAYERING.  This little girl has so many summer dresses that can be turned into winter dresses with a pair of tights/ leggings and a sweater.

Evil much in that first pic?  Jeeez!



Everything - with the exception of the red tights and pink boots - was purchased at yard sales or on consignment.  The pink boots were just $8 on Black Friday! 

3) Speaking of consignment -- one of the kids' consignment shops in my area had a special last Friday and everything on their $1 racks was BOGO.  I was able to get a shirt and dress for Karis and two pairs of pants for Kyan to wear to school next year (gasp!) for $2.  Can't beat that.

4) How is potty training going you ask?  Well, I want to PUNCH IN THE THROAT every single person who claims to have trained a child by age 18 months.  That's how it's going, friends.  That's.how.it's.going.

5) The episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel get drunk (and subsequently married) was on yesterday.  Favorite!


6) The Birds got his report card yesterday.

Perfect again!  So proud of him.

7) So, like everybody on Facebook was all "Lee Brice!"  "I Drive Your Truck!"  "Must hear this song!" 

Assholes.

I looked it up.  And then I cried.  Cause, like I said, assholes.  If you decide to look it up, well, can't say I didn't warn you.

Also, I love country music but it's pretty rare that I listen to country radio.  I was thinking Lee Brice was the guy who was runner-up on American Idol several years ago.  I was thinking WRONG.  Apparently that was Bo Bice.  So, not really even close.  Huh.

8) I've yet to drop any of the four holiday pounds that are [still] hanging around.  Not a big deal.  I just want to be back at my pre-holiday weight before I go to New York in March.  However.  The other day Kyan told me my "big butt" was looking "even bigger than usual."  What the?  Man.  No one can tell the truth quite like a four-year-old.  Sheesh.

9) The winter time makes me ugly (fat, pale, bad skin) and, apparently, it also makes me pretty damn boring.  Apologies.

10) This.

Very Few Things in Life are Sweeter than Notre Dame Being Embarrassed (by the SEC!) on National TV. This Entry? Not One of Those Things.

I really have nothing to write about today but I couldn't pass up a chance to throw in a dig at Notre Dame in my title.

If you know college football then odds are good that the only thing that surprised you about last night's game was Brent Musberger basically ahem'ing himself over AJ McCarron's girlfriend.  (Really, Musberger?  Gross).  Notre Dame is notoriously overrated and this year was no different.  The only thing that surprised me about the game was the point spread.  That it wasn't larger. 

The past two Tuesdays I've been stuck in the frame of mind that it's actually Wednesday.  Not cool.  Not cool at all.  Especially considering the only good thing about this Tuesday is that there's (another!) new episode of Parenthood.  It's like NBC finally realized what the the rest of America has known all along (that P'hood is all kinds of fabulous) and had decided to give us more than eight new episodes a season.  About time!

This Tuesday sucks more than last Tuesday because . . .

COME HELL OR HIGH WATER, THIS LITTLE GIRL WILL BE POTTY TRAINED. 

I had her about 80% trained before I went to Vegas a few months ago but then no one worked with her while I was gone.  And I guess she wasn't really ready because she didn't so much as initiate or try to go on her own.

But now.  NOW.  Three months from her third birthday -- SHE WILL BE TRAINED. 

We have a tiny potty, lots of lemonade, plent of M&M's, the promise of anything she wants from the Disney Store and we're going to kick this thing in the tush.  Oh yes we are.  She's currently telling me she wants a diaper and, twice now, has kicked down the lid of the potty.  But, guess what homey? I've done this twice* before.  I'm not backing down.  I WILL WIN.  (Please don't let those be famous last words, please don't let those be famous last words, please don't let those be famous last words).

* Yeah, okay so ONCE.  The first time I got lucky and he pretty much trained himself.  I kind of hold a grudge over that, though, because the second and third ones haven't been so nice and COME ON, it's totally the job of the first kid to prepare you for anything the subsequent ones may throw your way.

Now.  So as for this entry to not be ALL about potty training (yeah, totally being THAT blogger.  Sorry for those of you who don't have kids.  Keep those legs closed, girls!) I'll leave you with this little gem.  Jaidan's punishment for "it's all your fault!!!"'ing his brother one too many times last week was to write sentences.  Yeah.  Way to go on that first sentence, Buddy.

"I don't like Kyan" for those who don't read Kindergarten

He ended up writing ten things he likes about his brother.  WINNING.

 



Have a totally fabulous Tuesday!  I'm off to bribe a kid to sit on the potty, start making a lasagna, and continue laundry.  Admit it: you're totally jealous of this fabulous life I lead!

P.S. I'm sorry if you're a Notre Dame fan and I offended you.  No.  Wait.  I'm just sorry if you're a Notre Dame fan.  :/

Thursday Things

1) My cousin and his family lost their home and everything they own in a house fire the night before Christmas Eve.  Insert every single adjective for devastating right here.  What an awful, horrible thing to happen right at Christmas.  My heart hurt for them.  Not just because they are family; but more so because I'm human.  In the hours after their tragedy, though, something amazing happened.  Their community rallied around them and were able to not only give their children a Christmas but also to assist so much in putting their lives back together.  Their local news station did a report on their story.  Watch it.  Maybe have a tissue handy, though, if the warm fuzzies just get to you the same way they get to me!

2) Santa was good to me this year!

I think it bears saying that my husband was in Vegas, at the outlet mall, a little over a week before Christmas.  There's a [very good] chance he was instructed to check out the Coach outlet . . .

I also got a crockpot from my grandmother which I may or may not have appreciated more than the purses.   And how old does THAT make me feel?

3) I really hate the month of January. Hate. It has no redeeming features. It's cold. The only holiday allows children out of school but doesn't give us so much as an excuse to barbecue. Not that we could barbecue anyway because it's too cold!  No one in my immediate family has a birthday so there's no excuse to eat cake . . . and not that we'd eat cake anyway because we're too busy chowing down on carrot sticks and celery to even EAT cake.  Also, it was 26 degrees yesterday morning when I took Jaidan to school.  January?  You suck.

4) Jaidan went back to school yesterday.  Can I offer a little word to all those of you with infants who are stuggling with being awakened multiple times during the night?  You're frustrated and wondering if life with your child will ever get any easier.  It does not.  It does not get better.  I'll go on 'head and say it: there are times when I would rather live through the hell that was Kyan's first year (didn't like anyone but me; woke up every two hours) than deal with this "get ready for school" mess.  He turns into THE slowest child on the planet while I morph into some sort of Cruella DeVil. 

How many more days till summer break?  We all got wayyy used to The Lazy during his days off for Christmas.

5) I was watching the Cosby Show the other night (holiday break habit #84982 -- 80's reruns). It was the one were Sandra and Eldon's babies were born. I noticed that the episode first aired in 1988. Which means Nelson and Winnie would be turning 25 this year. Wowza. Isn't it kind of crazy that people who were born in 1988 will be in their mid-20's this year?  Almost as crazy as people who were born in 1980 turning *gulp* 33.

6) I cooked a traditional New Year's day dinner this year. We had black eyed peas (cooked with the bone from our Christmas ham) and cabbage -- if sour kraut counts as cabbage and, in my mind, it totally does.  I also fried some potatoes and threw in some cornbread.  Let me just tell ya: I made that dinner my bitch! It was ahhhmazing.



I told Jaidan we eat the peas for good luck and the cabbage for wealth.  He tasted the kraut and told me he didn't like it "but if I eat it, I get money right?  How about I just take three more bites and you give me a dollar?" 

7) Karis and I were in Dollar Tree the other day.  The lady who checked us out told me, "she looks just like you."  I swear, we hear those words pretty much every time I take her anywhere.  I know she's going to HATE hearing that one day which is why I'm practicing really hard at my "I'm not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom!"

I never know how to respond.  Are they complimenting me?  Insulting her?  I said as much to the lady: "I never know if that's a compliment to me or an insult to her."  She snorted and the look on her face clearly said, "it's an insult to her, you dumb bitch."  Thanks lady!

8) Speaking of Karis . . . she got a pair of pink boots for Christmas.  These pink boots:

She calls them her "Giddy up cowboy" boots.  City kids.  Sheesh.

9) So I swore I was going to wait a couple weeks before stepping on the scale after the food orgy that was Gluttony Fest 2012.  Yeah.  Bout that.  I weighed in Tuesday morning and I was up 12 pounds from where I was December 21st.  TWELVE!  Double digits!  I was torn between being slightly mortified (that's more than a pound a day!) and being all "I OWNED Christmas!"  Anyhow.  I figured it was [mostly] bloat (I hate that word) and thankfully I was right.  I stepped on the scale this morning and was down eight pounds from Tuesday.  So you know how people do those fad diets and they're all "I LOST 15 POUNDS IN 36 HOURS!!! AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SPEND $90234902 TO BUY THE SHIT I'M SELLING AND YOU CAN LOSE THAT MUCH TOO! Results not typical."  Yeah, all they do is going from shoveling anything edible down their piehole to not and drinking water instead of soda and maybe being slightly more active.  Sorry, folks, large amounts of weight in just a couple days is nothing more than bloat (I hate that word) and possibly a couple good poops.

10) That ^ said . . . this:

It's my Blog and I Can Talk About Celebrity Baby Names if I Want To!

So, Kim Kardashian is currently gestating the spawn of Kanye West and I'm pretty sure that's a sign the world is going to end in 2013.  Nothing pisses me off more than having to actually feel sorry for a Kardashian and, in this case, I'm forced to feel sorry for two of them!  (Khloe and the actual spawn).  I just think it's just desserts that the royal heir will also be born in 2013.  Yo, Kanye, I'm going to let you finish but Prince William had one of the best babies of all time . . . one of the best of all time! 

Obviously this Kardashian/ West baby (I refuse to call it the Kimye baby.  REFUSE) will have a name that starts with a "K" and I'd be willing to bet that it's not something simple like "Kaitlin" or "Kyle" and, I swear to baby Jesus, I will lose my shit if they name that kid either "Kyan" or "Karis."  I WILL LOSE MY SHIT.  I WILL LOSE IT.  (I'm pretty sure, though, that "Kash" will work it's way into the name someway or other.  It IS a Karskankian we're talking about and while I ain't saying she a golddigger, well, I AM).

Okay.  Enough about those walking talking STD's.  Let's get onto more important things.  Namely the fact that Matthew McConnawhatwhat and his wife had their third baby over the weekend.  And they named him Livingston.  I love it.  Adore it.  I think it might possibly be too much name given the family name the poor kids is hauling around but, come on, Livingston?  That's precious!  I mean, Kingston Rossdale and Harlow Madden win hands down for Best Celebrity Baby Names Ever but Livingston ranks pretty close to Cruz Beckham and Harper Grace Harris (I realize there are roughly 234298 Harper's in Hollywood right now but I am partial to the Doog so I had to go with his kid.  Also, I already used one Beckham and using another would give them too much credit considering they named their other two children Brooklyn (male!) and Romeo).

Celebrity baby names generally fall into two categories.  "Oh no she DI'INT" and "did they just birth an 80 year old?"

"Oh no she DI'INT" examples include the likes of Moxie Crimefighter and Pilot Inspector, the two baby names that ALWAYS top that list.  They're like the Orangejello (Or-on-ju-lo) and La-a (Ladasha) of celebrity baby names.  I mean, they're real (I guess.  For all we know Penn Jillette actually named his daughter something like Susan Lee and just told the world she was actually Moxie Crimefighter to get himself some publicity.  They say there's no such thing as bad of that publicity stuff, afterall) but those two names are the ones you hear about ALL.THE.TIME.  Other, "oh no she DI'INT's" could include Apple Martin, Morrocan Cannon (though, gosh if I don't love his sister Monroe's name), Buddy Bear Oliver (the F-word?!?), Bronx Wentz, and, of course, Blue Ivy Carter.  The worst things about these "oh no she DI'INT" names is that everyday assholes see celebrities naming their babies that and all the sudden you have a little Apple Crimefighter being born at, like, Toledo General Hospital.  Bitch, please.
 
Now for the "Did they just birth an 80 year old?"  Maybe it's just me but I have a hard time believing that Maggie Gyllenhall grew up dreaming of a little baby girl named Ramona.  Same with Michelle Williams.  Honey, you grew up in Montana in the 80's.  You KNOW if you hadn't spent those years on Dawson's Creek your kid would've been named something like Lexi or Kaylee or Olivia.  And, really, you realize that your daughter has to be Matilda, like, FOREVER right?  You get the relative anonymity of being a Michelle.  She has to be a MATILDA.  That's so not cool, Michelle Williams.  That is so not cool.  I would like to give Drew Barrymore a pass on naming her daughter Olive.  After all, she's Drew Barrymore and, given her past, it's a miracle the kid didn't end up with something wayyyyy weirder.  However.  Olive is a horrible name made even more horrible by the last name.  Olive Kopelman?  Are you kidding me?  Did they even bother to practice saying that one out loud? (Answer: NO).   Did you know that Tobey Maguire named his son Otis?  OTIS!  This kid is, like, three and he's named the same thing that I ONCE NAMED A DOG.  No one who is under the age of 70 should be inflicted with a name like Otis.  Ditto Beatrice, Homer, Loretta, Pearl, and Moses.  On and that list?  Goes for you common folk too, mmkay?  If you want a "classic" stick with Henry or Julia and leave Mabel (I'm looking at you, Bruce Willis, you know you were SO WRONG for that) where it belongs: in last century.

Thirteen

I was so ready for 2011 to be over and done with. It was a terrible year. Horrible. No good and very bad.

I welcomed 2012 with open arms and it didn't disappoint. I kind of made it my bitch.  I'm a little hesitant to let it go. 

2012 was a brand new kindergartener, New Orleans during the coldest weekend of the year, four years of marriage, Virginia and Maryland and Washington DC and North Carolina.  It was Sunday afternoons at the spray park, popsicles in the backyard, family road trips, Disneyland, and the Grand Canyon.  A second birthday, a fourth birthday, a sixth birthday.  It was Gigi's house in Shreveport, a sorry season of college football, cruising to the Caribbean, a weekend in Vegas, and more bottles of wine that I could ever begin to count (let alone remember!)

Favorite Moments of 2012, by the month

Oh, 2012.  You were fabulous.

Now here we are on the cusp of 2013. Twenty-Thirteen. It sounds like something out of a sci-fi novel, no?

My youngest will be three this year, no longer a baby (always my baby) but more of a little girl. My middle will start kindergarten in August.  Life has progressed from the stage of Big Moments, babies and marriages, to lots of Little Milestones, first days of school and loose teeth.  Time. It marches on.  I just wish it would quit marching across my face and leaving those little lines . . .

Thursday Things

1) Columbine happened a month before my 19th birthday.  I was a freshman in college.  The news horrified me.  I can still remember, 13 and a half years later, that I was at work - at the Waco Postal Credit Union - when I heard the news.  I'll be honest, though, Columbine didn't bother me as much as this Connecticut shooting.  I'm assuming it's because of the different stage of life I'm in, the difference in being nearly-19 and 30-something, the difference in being barely out of high school myself and being married with kids of my own.  I'd never, ever say that people with children are somehow more affected by the events.  But I feel like it affected me, personally, so much more.  Both because I have children and because of the ages of my kids.  Avielle Richman was born ONE WEEK after my Jaidan.  Their birthdays are exactly a week apart.  I see the names of kids like Jack Pinto and Jesse Lewis and I wonder if they were into Batman and Power Rangers and all the things my little boys are into.  Did one of those kids have a Spiderman Stunt City wrapped under the tree waiting for him to open Christmas morning?  Almost everything I've read about those sweet babies, I've seen a habit or quality or characteristic that my own 6-year-old possesses.  It's heart wrenching..

2) I had originally planned to go off on a little schpill about how I feel about guns and gun control but I saw the #26acts campaign yesterday and, well, that's so much more important, right now, than on how one little Mom in southwest Tennessee feels about assault weapons.

Here's the deal: 26 random acts of kindness in honor of the 26 victims at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  My kids and I kicked things off yesterday by leaving candy on three card windshields and a gift card on a fourth.  We included  note with each one explaining what it was for and wishing the
 recepient a happy and blessed holiday.  Today we're leaving goodies in the mailbox for our mailman and delivering some to the neighborhood fire department.  This weekend, we'll hand out neighbor gifts.  And we'll have to see just what other little acts of kindness we can sprinkle across our city.

3) I made up five things of cookie dough yesterday in preparation for today.  Because today?  We kick off Baking-palooza 2012.  Which is, of course, the predecessor to Gluttony Fest 2012.

4) I love Gluttony Fest.

5) We were treated to this while grocery shopping at the commissary the other day:

Cheaper food costs.  No tax.  AND being serenaded by men in uniform?  Yes please and THANK YOU.

6) Guess how many of the kids' Santa gifts are wrapped.  Just guess!  Did you guess ZERO?  Congratulations.  You are right.  Now who wants to come and wrap all this stuff for me?  I pay in wine and Christmas movies.  And good company, natch.

7) Continuing my crush on Goodwill, I picked up this guy - the tall one - the other day for $2:



I also found a whole bunch of brand new - still with tags - Christmas themed bowls and platters.  I really need to quit buying stuff like that seeing as I have approxomately 80 of them . . .

8) My daughter has been going 90 to nothing for the past week now and she is wearing.me.out.  She is pretty much constantly into something.  She is once again refusing to nap.  She's waking up around 6:30 in the morning.  GAH.  She also through a collossal fit as we were leaving Target the other day.  I was completely embarrassed but God bless the older woman who put her hand on my arm, winked, and told me that every single mom had been there at some point before.

9) On that note, I just want to say how refreshing it is to experience just how friendly people tend to be this kind of year.  I was in Kroger yesterday and an older lady wished me a "Merry Christmas."  I spotted her several other times in the store and noticed she was saying the same thing to everyone she saw.  I just love stuff like that. 

10) I usually post something funny here but today I'll leave you with this:

{Source}

Thursday Things

1) Out of the blue the other day, Jaidan initiated a conversation with me about boys kissing boys and girls kissing girls.  Basically, he asked me if I thought it was "gross."  I told him no, that I don't think it's gross for two people who love each other to kiss.  After asking him what he thought, he informed me that he thinks kissing is just plain gross no matter what; he doesn't want to be kissing boys or girls.  The conversation progressed from there and I told him, when asked, that boys can't marry other boys and same for girls who want to marry other girls. 
"Well, why not?"
"Because it's not legal in our country.  Not yet.  But I bet by the time you're a grown up, it will be legal."
"So a boy can marry a girl but a boy can't marry a boy?  And a girl can't marry a girl?  But, that's not fair!"
It's crazy how my six-year-old gets it whiile so many grown adults don't!

2) I heard this song for the first time the other day and proceeded to Farrah ugly cry in the middle of my kitchen.


I'm pretty sure Kyan thought I had sliced off part of a finger or something.  I don't even know who Scotty McCreery is, but the song . . . Wow.

3) Speaking of having a good ugly cry.  This week's Parenthood.  Ohhhhhmyyyyygahhhhh.

4) I have a Goodwill addiction.  I love that place.  When Karis was tiny, I could find all kinds of cute clothes for her.  Now that she's older -- notsomuch.  Not much luck for the boys either.  I guess the older kids get, the harder they are on their clothes.  Anyhow, I have been finding stuff to add to my hodge podge of ragtag Christmas decor.  This week's finds:

Yeah, it's kind of ugly but Karis thought we HAD to have it and it was only $2 so there you go.

Lovely shot of all my TV wires too, huh?

 

This guy set me back $3.  The ornaments in the basket?  $1 for six of 'em.

 

Another $3 for this snowman.  I heart Goodwill.  Big pink puffy heart it.





5) Jaidan's "winter celebration" (insert eye roll here) at school is today.  Sometimes I get a little . . . irritated . . . about the way the school does things.  I expected to be bringing treats and being able to attend his holiday party but they don't do things that way.  I did make little reindeer treat bags to go in stockings that are being handed out to each the kids but that's it.  They aren't doing any sort of Christmas/ holiday program either.  SAD FACE.

6) I overheard a lady at the library yesterday explaining that she was from Ohio and this is her first Christmas in Memphis.  She was complaining about the lack of a white Christmas.  I WANT TO PUNCH PEOPLE LIKE THAT IN THE FACE.  Just say no to a white Christmas, my friends, and remember: we live in the south for a reason. 

7) I sold all of my maternity shirts yesterday.  I really hope this doesn't mean I find myself pregnant again in the next 17 minutes or so.  There's a reason I held on to 'em for two and a half years . . .  (Seriously, the last time I got rid of all my maternity clothes I was pregnant again two minutes later.)

8) You know, I'm the first to tell you that kids can do this little thing called SUCK THE EVER LIVING LIFE OUT OF YOU.  But, man, sometimes there are just those sweet moments that completely take your breath away.  We bought Kyan a new coat the other day so I took his old one and donated it to Jaidan's school.  I wasn't really sure that Kyan understood about donating and all that.  But later that same day he told me, "Mommy, I'm glad we gave my coat so some other kid can be warm.  It would make me so sad to know a little boy was cold.  I know whoever gets my coat will love it so much!"  So the boy has a touch of a giving spirit about him.  Makes me happy.

9) We kicked off our Christmas baking yesterday and, let me tell you, every single ounce of willpower I have has gone into NOT inhaling the pan of fudge in my kitchen.  I was planning to wrap some up to take to Jaidan's teacher and he told me, "pleeeeease don't give away our fudge!"  Ha!  I wonder where he gets THAT from.

10)

Life Lessons from Dora's Christmas Carol Adventures

{Via Google Images}

My favorite rendition of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol is, hands down, Scrooged.  You know, the one with Bill Murray where he plays a super selfish television exec who has his Come to Jesus moment after being visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future.  It's fun and funny and it has the song "Put a Little Love in your Heart" at the end.  It's been a tradition to watch it every year from the time I was a girl.  If you haven't seen it then add it to your Christmas movies to watch list and thank me later.

There's another version of A Christmas Carol that I've managed to watch every December since it's inception: Dora's Christmas Carol Adventure.  I KNOW!  Lucky me!  My boys are now old enough to be over Dora just in time for my daughter to decide the pint-sized explorer is her homegirl.  Again - lucky me!

The basis is the same in Dora as all of the 23904239 other Christmas Carols.  Somebody is mean or rude or otherwise a "scrooge," is visited by three ghosts, and wakes up a new, nice person.  In Dora the Scrooge is . . . who else?  Swiper the Fox.

Here's the Cliff's Notes: Dora and friends are having a Christmas party, Swiper shows up and decides to steal their Christmas star even though they "Swiper no Swiping, Swiper no swiping!" him.  The swiping pisses Santa off and he tells Swiper (and, OMG, I'm already tired of typing the words "swiper" and "swiping") that he's on the NAUGHTY LIST.  He can only get his name off the list if he discovers the true spirit of Christmas.  Since Dora, like, gets off on Swiper stealing from her (dudes, if you've watched so much as five episodes of Dora then you arrdy done KNOW that she's totally an enabler when it comes to the blue-masked one!), she agrees to accompany him to the past, present, and future to help him find missing ornaments and discover Christmas spirit.

Ya'll.  On the surface it totally seems as though the message from Dora is aimed at the preschool crowd.  I mean, we have a monkey wearing boots in the story, for crying out loud!  But - But!  This particular Dora is actually aimed at the moms of those preschoolers.  Let me show you why.

Prior to this particular Do-da-do-do-da- Dora episode, we have no way of knowing if Swiper the Fox is actually the same age as Dora and her buds.  I mean, he could be like some super meanie head grown-up fox that gets his jollies out of taking things from preschool explorers and their animal friends.  But, when Dora and Swiper travel to the past we discover that Swiper was a baby at the same time all the rest were babies.  They're the same age, right?

 

 

Which makes the vision we get of Swiper in the future all the more important.

First, let's check out future Dora:

 

She's, like, 14 right?

 

Now for future Swiper.  Same age, remember?

 

Swiper looks OLD.  He's a 14-year-old who's going GRAY and is forced to wear Grandpappy glasses.  He probably has wrinkles too!

Do you see the point here?  Do you realize what Nickelodeon is trying to tell us?

If you're a theiving asshole, you'll age fifty years in a decade.  Don't let it happen to you.  Don't be an asshole.

Thursday Things

1) I found out the other night that . . . I'm going to be an aunt again!  My brother and sister-in-law are expecting their second baby summer 2013.  Karis is really hoping for a girl cousin.  She's outnumbered on that side of the family and not too happy about it!

2) I feel totally on top of things this holiday season.  Which, of course, means the odds of something happening to knock me off the top are very VERY high.  Anyhow.  I dropped $waytoomuch at Target on stocking stuffers for the little kids late last week.  I also picked up Christmas jammies for the boys (Children's Place) and, with that, I'm done with those three.  I ordered some presents online over the weekend and only have a couple more to buy.  Christmas - I OWN you this year!

3) Speaking of . . . the halls are all decked!  I don't have a huge amount of Christmas decorations.  Here's the story: I had a lot of stuff, moved in a hurry when getting out of a sucky relationship and lost most of what I had.  Ended up losing several more pieces here and there over the years.  When Eddie and I got married I literally had, like, a ceramic Santa Claus my grandma made and the advent calendar from when my brother and I were young.  Over the past few years I've picked up a few things here and there.  I try to shop after Christmas sales and I love finding things at garage sales.  We're getting more and more stuff every year.  Maybe it won't be too many years until we'll once again have the house Christmas threw up on!

The tree and fireplace

 

You are so welcome for the view of the crap under my TV stand.

I made the wreath.  I based the whole thing off that snowman and then didn't even really like it when it was done.  But I put enough time into it that, damnit, I was going to hang it up.

I also made the thing with the Santa pictures.  I used a memo board I bought at a yard sale (and I really should've pained it red!), scrapbook paper, and I bought the "Santa" and "Noel" from the Target dollar bins!

 

The "Ho Ho Ho" came from Hobby Lobby - they already have Christmas stuff 50% off.  I might have been there three times last week.

 

The advent calendar that's a hand-me-down from my childhood.  My brother and I used to duke it out over who got to change that mouse.

I found the Santa and Snowman hangings at . . . Dollar Tree!  I needed something to hang in my entryway and there they were.  I took this pic right after I hung them.  They've since started to hang flatter.

The "JOY" has been going around Pinterest for a while and I decided to do it this year.  My stepdaughter asked me what "JY" stood for then told me the ornament looked like an acorn.  Fun.

 

 

4) So.  You know how my girlfriends and I go to New Orleans every year around Mardi Gras time?  Well.  Mardi Gras is earlier this year so we decided we'd go for St. Patrick's Day.  Then we checked the prices for rentals on St. Patrick's Day and decided we'd go the following weekend.  Then.  The airlines decided to be total and complete a-holes with fares.  I'm talking $500 and $600 fares.  I live close enough that I don't have to fly but if I wanted to?  Nearly $400.  More than I paid to go to Vegas!  So we talked and we discussed and we hashed it out.  And the other night we decided that, rather than going to NOLA, we'll be headed east in March.

 

We're going to New York City!

 

I've never been to NYC.  I CANNOT WAIT. 

 

5) Kid Brag: Jaidan had math testing last week.  100 basic addition problems (kindergarten, y'all).  He was one of only two kids who got every single problem correct.  For his hard work he was rewarded a certificate for a free sandwich from Arby's.  So Tuesday afternoon, just the two of us had a little "Mommy/ Jaidan" date to celebrate.  I'm so proud of my kid!

 

6) My kids wrote letters to Santa the other day:

Yeah.  My kid wants a "magical shell that's pink and big."

 

 

 

 

7) Arkansas has a new coach.  I repeat: ARKANSAS HAS A NEW COACH.  And it looks like he's going to be a pretty good one.  There's just one problem with Mr. Bret Bielema.  Here he is calling the Hogs.  Sort of.

I can't credit because I totally stole it off someone's Facebook.

 

If you're not from Arkansas, or an Arkansas fan, you may not realize what's wrong with this picture.  But, y'all.  HE IS DOING IT WRONG.  His arms, this Hog call, it's just all wrong.  I'm going to give him a pass because his last coaching job was at a Big 10 school, God bless him, and also because he literally grew up on a hog farm.  So, yeah, he gets a pass from me.  We'll call 'em, Bret.  You just WIN 'em.  Got it?

 

8) If you ask Karis what Santa Claus says she tells you, "Buzz Lightyear, to the rescue!"  Oh, that one.  She sure is pretty.  She also has a habit of saying "me" when she means "my."  For example: "I hurt me toe."  We've started calling her the little pirate so now she walks around telling us, "Arr!  I a pi-wat."  Two-year-olds are so much fun.  When they're not laying down in the parking lot of Taco Bell because you got your gorditas and quesadillas to go rather than letting her dine in.  True story.

 

9) When I was growing up, the church I attended did a live nativity every Christmas season.  My family usually did something to help out with.  My dad was a wiseman and one year my brother played the part of a beggar convincingly enough that he earned about $20.  I want to take my kids to a living nativity this year.  I'm not entirely sure why seeing as I'll have the Parking Lot Fit Drama Queen with me.  But, I suppose, it's a tradition I'd like to start.

 

Memphis is the king of the mega church.  Every single church here, it seems, is HUGE.  I'm talking, they have to have "campus maps."  To get around a church!  Whatever happened to a sanctuary, fellowship hall, and a few Sunday School classes?  The church where we did our early voting has (at least) four different entrances, it's own security trucks, and has police directing traffic on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights.  Geez.  You'd think with so many mega churches it would be easy to find a living nativity.  It's NOT.  There are a few but none - that I've found, using my BFF Google - that are in my general area.  I want to experience this.  I don't want to drive all over town to freeze my tush off and see a fake baby Jesus. You dig?

 

10) This.  So this.