It's my Blog and I Can Talk About Celebrity Baby Names if I Want To!


So, Kim Kardashian is currently gestating the spawn of Kanye West and I'm pretty sure that's a sign the world is going to end in 2013.  Nothing pisses me off more than having to actually feel sorry for a Kardashian and, in this case, I'm forced to feel sorry for two of them!  (Khloe and the actual spawn).  I just think it's just desserts that the royal heir will also be born in 2013.  Yo, Kanye, I'm going to let you finish but Prince William had one of the best babies of all time . . . one of the best of all time! 

Obviously this Kardashian/ West baby (I refuse to call it the Kimye baby.  REFUSE) will have a name that starts with a "K" and I'd be willing to bet that it's not something simple like "Kaitlin" or "Kyle" and, I swear to baby Jesus, I will lose my shit if they name that kid either "Kyan" or "Karis."  I WILL LOSE MY SHIT.  I WILL LOSE IT.  (I'm pretty sure, though, that "Kash" will work it's way into the name someway or other.  It IS a Karskankian we're talking about and while I ain't saying she a golddigger, well, I AM).

Okay.  Enough about those walking talking STD's.  Let's get onto more important things.  Namely the fact that Matthew McConnawhatwhat and his wife had their third baby over the weekend.  And they named him Livingston.  I love it.  Adore it.  I think it might possibly be too much name given the family name the poor kids is hauling around but, come on, Livingston?  That's precious!  I mean, Kingston Rossdale and Harlow Madden win hands down for Best Celebrity Baby Names Ever but Livingston ranks pretty close to Cruz Beckham and Harper Grace Harris (I realize there are roughly 234298 Harper's in Hollywood right now but I am partial to the Doog so I had to go with his kid.  Also, I already used one Beckham and using another would give them too much credit considering they named their other two children Brooklyn (male!) and Romeo).

Celebrity baby names generally fall into two categories.  "Oh no she DI'INT" and "did they just birth an 80 year old?"

"Oh no she DI'INT" examples include the likes of Moxie Crimefighter and Pilot Inspector, the two baby names that ALWAYS top that list.  They're like the Orangejello (Or-on-ju-lo) and La-a (Ladasha) of celebrity baby names.  I mean, they're real (I guess.  For all we know Penn Jillette actually named his daughter something like Susan Lee and just told the world she was actually Moxie Crimefighter to get himself some publicity.  They say there's no such thing as bad of that publicity stuff, afterall) but those two names are the ones you hear about ALL.THE.TIME.  Other, "oh no she DI'INT's" could include Apple Martin, Morrocan Cannon (though, gosh if I don't love his sister Monroe's name), Buddy Bear Oliver (the F-word?!?), Bronx Wentz, and, of course, Blue Ivy Carter.  The worst things about these "oh no she DI'INT" names is that everyday assholes see celebrities naming their babies that and all the sudden you have a little Apple Crimefighter being born at, like, Toledo General Hospital.  Bitch, please.
Now for the "Did they just birth an 80 year old?"  Maybe it's just me but I have a hard time believing that Maggie Gyllenhall grew up dreaming of a little baby girl named Ramona.  Same with Michelle Williams.  Honey, you grew up in Montana in the 80's.  You KNOW if you hadn't spent those years on Dawson's Creek your kid would've been named something like Lexi or Kaylee or Olivia.  And, really, you realize that your daughter has to be Matilda, like, FOREVER right?  You get the relative anonymity of being a Michelle.  She has to be a MATILDA.  That's so not cool, Michelle Williams.  That is so not cool.  I would like to give Drew Barrymore a pass on naming her daughter Olive.  After all, she's Drew Barrymore and, given her past, it's a miracle the kid didn't end up with something wayyyyy weirder.  However.  Olive is a horrible name made even more horrible by the last name.  Olive Kopelman?  Are you kidding me?  Did they even bother to practice saying that one out loud? (Answer: NO).   Did you know that Tobey Maguire named his son Otis?  OTIS!  This kid is, like, three and he's named the same thing that I ONCE NAMED A DOG.  No one who is under the age of 70 should be inflicted with a name like Otis.  Ditto Beatrice, Homer, Loretta, Pearl, and Moses.  On and that list?  Goes for you common folk too, mmkay?  If you want a "classic" stick with Henry or Julia and leave Mabel (I'm looking at you, Bruce Willis, you know you were SO WRONG for that) where it belongs: in last century.

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