But. But. But. What Happened to Thanksgiving?

I love Black Friday.

LOVE it.

I am a cheap bitch and I appreciate a good deal like you don't EVEN know.  I enjoy the "thrill of the hunt" when it comes to shopping and I live for the hype of Black Friday.  Hands down, one of my very favorite days of the year.  No lie.

This year, though?

I'm not happy.

At all.

Ugh.

It's called Black Friday.  That means those deals we go and push and shove and elbow and act all crazy over should happen on FRIDAY.  Last year Walmart started their sale at 10:00.  Okay.  Not great or anything but, meh, it was okay.  At least the kids were in bed and all, right?  This year they are starting at 8:00 Thanksgiving night.  8:00!  That's not okay, ya'll.

I'm so beyond irritated about this.

It's like our commercialism has moved to the point that we're infringing on the one holiday that we've been able to commercialize the least.  Thanksgiving is family and food and football with the centerpiece of the whole thing being able to enjoy the people we love the most in the world.  And now greed and consumerism is taking over that?  Um, no.  Hell no.

My mom and I have been doing Black Friday shopping for years (though last year I was in Dallas and went with a friend).  Just two or three years ago, the stores were opening at 5:00 and 6:00 in the morning.  I can remember the first year Kohl's and Penney's opened at 4:00 and people were all "bitch please."  Apparently we didn't "bitch please" enough because now we've moved the time up by eight hours and you know what?  It's just not okay.

I still plan on Black Friday shopping this year but I WON'T be there at 8:00 and I WON'T let it infringe one me enjoying the holiday with my family.

What I Learned from Election 2012: People are Assholes (I Mean I Already Knew That but COME ON)

I originally planned on posting something I wrote the day after election 2008.  You can read it here if you want, on my now-defunct family blog.  The main reason I chose not to make a post on it today is because it's seriously laughable how much importance I placed on race -- how I thought, four years ago, that my boys today - at ages six and four - would be able to realize that Barack Obama has the same color skin as they do, how it would be important to them, that sort of thing.  As it is, Obama is the only president they've ever really known and, due to the very diverse area we live in, race and being an interracial family are pretty much just non-issues.

ANYWAY.  All that said.  I figured election day would be a good time for me to rant about what I've learned from this election.

Here it is.

People are assholes.

Yeah.  We already knew that.  But, damn, if this year's election didn't bring out the assholery in full-motherloving-force. 

Politics have been contentious since the beginning of time.  I can remember my dad and aunt fighting in the middle of Texas stadium over the 2000 election.  But this election it seems more crazy than ever before.  Where do we place the blame?  Let's start with Mark Zuckerberg.  Facebook. Twitter. Blogs.  Social Media in general.

Social media is more of a force in our lives than it's ever been before.  I can't log in to Facebook at all without seeing some jackass spewing a hateful opinion, trying to pass it off as fact.  I can't read blogs without seeing comments that make me want to pull every single hair out of my head.  I'm glad that I just plain stay away from Twitter because I'm sure I'd be kicking baby kittens left and right.

My Facebook friends list is probably 80% conservative Republican.  I'm not.  At all.  This was my fourth presidential election and in all but one of those elections I've voted for the Democrat candidate.  Most of my social beliefs are quite liberal.  Do I wish more people felt the way I do, voted the way I do?  Absolutely!   But, dude, that's not going to happen and I GET it.  I don't expect all of my friends to share my political beliefs.  I may give someone the side eye when they "like" a status from Donald Trump (because, really?  Donald Trump?) but, really, I don't base how I feel about YOU on your politics.

It's how you express your political beliefs.  That's what I'm sitting over here rolling my eyes and judging your ass on.

"All Democrats are evil!"
"If you're against abortion then you're against women!"
"You can't be liberal AND a Christian."
"Republicans are ignorant."
"Voting for Obama is a vote against America!"

Seriously, people, SHUT UP.  Vote the way you want to vote.  Encourage people to vote for your candidate.  But DO IT WITHOUT BEING AN ASSHOLE.  Lumping all people who vote for one political party together, referring to anyone who votes for so-and-so as ignorant, claiming you'll leave the country if That Guy wins the election?  Yeah, that makes you an asshole.  STOP DOING IT.

Now, we only have hours left in this election season.  Let's all hold hands, sing kumbaya, and pray that we don't have a repeat of 2000 and, before midnight, we know who'll be leading our country for the next four years.

Then let's all shut up about it.  K?  K.

The One in Which I Devote an Entire Post to Kim Kardashian

Much to the chagrin of my step-daughter (she's 12 and the fact that her father and I breathe pretty much embarrasses her these days), Eddie and I were discussing the other day that if we had a Halloween party to go to we would totally dress up as Kim and Kanye.  Of course, it would take at least four booty pops and a couple Wonderbras for me to pull off a Kardashian.  And even then we'd probably still end up looking like the poor man's Kimye.  Or the Kim and Kanye of the "if celebs were real people" meme that was going around a couple months ago.  I also mentioned that it would be fun to do Kim Kardashian, Runaway Bride since she's in her early 30's, married and divorced (mostly divorced?) twice, and her marriage to that goofy looking basketball player lasted approxomately eight minutes. 

"She's been married TWICE?"  The hubs obviously doesn't read the gossip magazines that litter our house.  As with anything that comes with pop culture and proving myself in our house, I pulled out my phone and googled Kim K.  I proved that she was married before and also found out something startling.

Google her.  Do it now.

Does that little box show up that gives you information on her?  Full name, height, and weight?  Yeah.  Look at that.  Kim K. is trying to tell the world that she weighs 116 pounds. 

Say it with me now: bitch, please.

I know they say the camera adds ten pounds but just how many cameras are routinely on this chick?  (That's a Friends reference there).

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying Karskankian is fat.  Not by any means.  But homegirl is curvy.  She's KNOWN for her curves.  And curves like that at 116 pounds?  Maybe if she's 4'8.

If she's 116 pounds then how much does, say, Jennifer Aniston weigh?  Or the Olson twins?  Man, those Olsons must weigh about 116 pounds combined!

Thing is, Kim K. probably doesn't weigh more than 130.  That's a nice number.  An awesome number.  90% of the women I know would offer up their left boob to see 130 on the scale.  So WHY LIE ABOUT IT?  As someone who never has - outside of junior high - weighed 130 and probably never will, I.don't.get.it.  At my smallest, as an adult, I fit into a size six jeans and you know what?  I want that shit written in my obituary!  Seriously.  "In 2008, Brandi fit into a size six jeans."  Maybe it's because I had been chubby prior to those sixes, I don't know, but I can't imagine lying about my weight.  Kim K. is constantly being photographed working out.  She obviously works hard -- why not just own who you are?

Kim!  You're curvy!  OWN IT.

I Don't Care if They Do Show Reruns of Will and Grace. Let's Boycott Lifetime.

The other night I was minding my own business, watching The Elizabeth Smart Story on Lifetime (judge me! I cried like a baby at the end). That's when I saw it. A commercial for a remake of Steel Magnolias.

A commercial for a REMAKE OF STEEL MAGNOLIAS.

I'll give you a minute for that to sink in.

If you don't have anything nice to say about this then, well, COME SIT BY ME.

People. Friends. Y'all. YOU DO NOT REMAKE STEEL MAGNOLIAS.

That would be like remaking Pretty Woman! Can you imagine, I don't know, Blake Lively and Ryan Gosling as Vivian and Edward? No? That's because those characters belong to Julia Roberts and Richard Gere!

Much like Truvy IS Dolly Parton. Clairee is no one other than Olympia Dukakis. Sally Field and Julia Roberts were - and still are - perfect as M'Lynn and Shelby. Darryl Hannah was born to play Anelle. And, let's be real, no one other than Shirley MacLaine will ever - ever - be Ms. Ouiser. And I love you, Alfre Woodard, but that includes you.

The cast of this despicable remake is pretty awesome for a Lifetime movie. There's Alfre Woodard, Phylicia Rashad, Queen Latifah, and Jill Scott. All amazing. But really? And who - who??? - saw Queen Latifah as M'Lynn? I.dont.get.it.

Steel Magnolias is, hands down, my favorite movie of all time. I can sit here and rattle off dozens of movies that I absolutely love, adore, cherish (DirtyDancingPrettyWomanGhostWhenHarryMetSallyRememberTheTitansTheSandlotSleeplessInSeattle) but Steel Magnolias is always number one. Always.  I love it more than my luggage.

It was bad enough that some asshole director got it in his head to remake Footloose.  And apparently someone has decided to redo Dirty Dancing -- presumably with actors who weren't even alive when the original came out.  What's next?  Is someone trying to tap Ludacris to play Cliff Huxtable in a remake of The Cosby Show?  Are they going to mangle The Golden Girls or Boy Meets World?  Are they trying to destroy EVERYTHING GOOD ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD?

Back off of Steel Magnolias -- especially with the extra cheese that's known as a Lifetime movie.

They already gave us our "thirty minutes of wonderful."  We don't need a "lifetime of nothing special."

Over It

I haven't done a bitching post in a while.  And by bitching I mean whine, whine, complain, complain.  I don't mean, "woah, dude, that's a totally bitchin' Camaro" type of bitching.  Does anyone even use "bitchin'" anymore?  If not, we totally need to bring that term back.  Bitchin' and the scrunchie.  Come baaaaaack.

Anyway.  Bitching. A few things I'm so totally over for 2012:
1) Zombies - I don't know if there is a word in the universe to conjure up the level of my disgust for the whole zombie phenomenon. It's stupid. Zombies are not real and when someone goes around munching on the face of another person, it's because they are HIGH ON DRUGS. And it's SAD. And it's NOT the stuff of jokes

Also, at the risk of sounding oversensitive, as someone who has suffered from the "flesh eating disease," I don't appreciate at all or in the least it being compared to a Zombie Apocalypse. People really die from it, y'all. Like, 40% of people who get it. They DIE. How is that funny?

2) Mustaches - They're in photo booths and you see brides wearing them in cheesy wedding pictures and a local kids pizza joint even did a big promotion centered around the mustache. Idea: let's let them go back to 1970's porn where they belong.

3) "Lifestyle" photography - For the love! Can we get back to the days when going to Sears and having your picture taken amongst a backdrop of fake Autumn leaves was the norm? How do people AFFORD this lifestyle photography? Believe me, I understand that quality family pics are a good investment. But I've seen some "mini sessions" where the photographers will charge upwards of $200 for a half hour of their time and something ridiculous like 10 images on a CD with a LIMITED copyright. And people DO this because why? It's the cool thing to do right now? Give me Portrait Innovations or give me death! (Dramatic much?)

4) The Fifty Shades Brouhaha - I know. You're so shocked to see this one, eh? People. They are poorly (horribly! Awfully!) written books about people who are NOT REAL. Christian Grey, much like Edward, Emmett, and Jasper Cullen, IS NOT REAL. You need not worry about a safe word because you will NEVER BE IN HIS TORTURE CHAMBER. And you will never been in his torture chamber because it's not real AND NEITHER IS HE.

5) Mommy Wars: Summer Edition - Every time warmer weather rolls around, the mommybot assholes get on their soapboxes about baby girls in bikinis. Look, I could care less what your kid wears in the pool. But do people not realize how stupid they look when they say something along the lines of, "not my daughter! Not until she's maybe 16 or 17!" Hey, asswipe,what does a 16 or 17 year old girl have that a three year old does not? Oh yeah. Assets that can be SHOWN OFF in a bikini. Duh. Brainiac.

And end the bitching.  What's bothering YOU right now?

I will take your Competimommy Lunch Bullcrap and Raise you by one MYKID IS BETTER THAN YOUR KID ANYWAY SO HE CAN EAT CRAP IF HE WANTS TO

I wish I could lie to you all right now and say something like, "I totally had not thought about it until a few minutes ago but, oh em gee!!!!, I have to pack a school lunch this year."  Believe me.  I have thought about the school lunch thing.  Because apparently, ya'll, the Art of the Packed Lunch is the latest event in the Competimommy Olympics.  It's all over Pinterest.  And it is ri-expletive-diculous.

I read on a blog the other day - I blog I actually like and don't just read for snark factor! - where the author said something along the lines of, "preparing lunch is one of the most important thingamajigs about getting ready for school."  (Totes paraphrased).  Exsqueeze me very much?  I love food.  Probably more than the average bear.  But I kind of tend to think filling their minds is more important than filling their tummies with butterfly shaped sandwiches and organic beet paste.  (Is beet paste even real?  Cause I totally made it up).

I get it that my generation is a bunch of Fattie McFatFats who inhaled twinkies and lived off of packed lunches that contained my bologna has a first name . . .   But it's like so many people have gotten to the point that they want better for their own children that they - I'm assuming - spend way too much time (not to mention money) on lunch.  LUNCH.  There comes a point where you gotta ask -- is it for the kid?  Or is to look better in the eyes of the fellow competimommies who are, hello, NOT EVEN IN THE CAFETERIA?  Do you really think little Makayla is going to run home and give a full report on what kind of organic crap Tyler was shoveling into his pie hole in the cafeteria?  No.  Because Tyler is going to try to broker a trade for someone else's corndog and Jello.

Even though I don't (okay, okay -- try not to) buy into the competimommy bologna, I'm still stressing a little over lunches. For starters, I know my kid is an asshole when he has too much processed foods, a detail it would be nice to keep under wraps from his teacher until at least September. Then you add in the whole fact that you have to pack something that'll keep in the lunchbox. Oh, and he's in kindergarten. So they'll probably eat lunch at, like, 8:45 in the morning and therefore he needs enough grub to sustain him until he gets home at 3:00. If ya think the kid's a little shit when he eats too much processed junk, try being around him when he's hungry ...

Luckily, this is my child who'll eat just about anything. Next year when it's Kyan who is in school I'll really be in trouble considering the kid doesn't like anything unless it starts with "hot" and ends with "dog." I let Jaidan pick out some lunch goodies the other day and he chose .... hummus, carrots, and celery. The only thing he wanted that would make the organimommy raise a (perfectly arched) eyebrow was Gogurt. This mom can deal. It's not like I really expected him to take a lunchbox full of alfalfa sprouts and tofu burgers (again, are tofu burgers real?). I'd have chosen the Hostess cupcakes myself.

I realize I'm obsessing much - I get that, I'm beginning to annoy myself - but, ya'll, why didn't anyone tell me this kindergarten stuff would be so HARD?  We spent his college fund just in school supplies and uniforms.  There's this whole lunch thing.  There are my overwhelming worries that he's going to tell all of our (embarrassing) business to his teacher (belive me, ya'll, I used to work with kids.  And guess what?  If your kids happen to know that you and Daddy took a shower together that morning, they can't WAIT to blab it to their entire class), that he's going to call someone an "asshole," that he's going to stick a crayone in his ear during naptime, that he's going to be THAT kid who eats glue.  I know that there will be tears (mine) when I take him to school for the first time tomorrow.  But you know what?  I'm to the point that I'm ready to just get.it.over.with.  I know the kid is going to be fine in kindergarten (please don't call anyone an asshole, please don't call anyone an asshole, please don't call anyone an asshole) but the way I'm stressing over lunches and the competimommies?  And I still have TWO MORE kids to put through kindergarten?  I might not survive!

Ahhhh, The Sweet Life

I grew up in the 80's and 90's and I loved to read. So, OF COURSE, I was all about some Sweet Valley.  The Sweet Valley Kids series didn't come around until I was past that stage but, man, I loved some Sweet Valley Twins. And, naturally, I graduated onto Sweet Valley High.

Ahhh. SVH. I can remember standing in line to go into class when I was in the fifth grade the girl in front of me said, in her most scandalized voice, "Did you know there's a Sweet Valley High book in the library called All Night Long?". Oh reeeeally? Of course, I had to pick it up. It was my beloved Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield, still glorious and beautiful but now 16 and in high school, and staying out all night with older guys with 70's porn mustaches. I was hooked!
Over the years, I graduated from SVH to grown folks literature (such masterpieces as Sophie Kinsella's Shopaholic Series). But I've always had a fondness for the Wakefield twins. They WERE my formative years. I was excited when Francine Pascal published Sweet Valley Confidential last year and brought us up to date on Jessica, Elizabeth, Todd, Enid and the rest of the crew. (I'll refrain, at this point, from posting a laundry list of errors from that particular book. But, Francine, it was Ricky Capaldo! Ricky that "saved" Easy Annie back in high school! Ricky Capaldo!!!!!!)

A few weeks ago, the first installment in the e-serial "The Sweet Life" was released and my Sundays haven't been the same since. The installments are released weekly and they're short enough they can easily be read in an hour or less. I wasn't going to write anything about The Sweet Life until I finished all six e-serials. But after finishing the fourth yesterday morning ... must.talk.about.it.

Here's the deal:

1) I want to find Sweet Valley, California and RAISE MY CHILDREN THERE. The crazy drama aside, everyone who graduated from SVH is crazy successful! Annie Whitman is only 29, making her just four years out of law school, but she's already achieved everything an attorney can possibly achieve in San Diego and headed back to provide her law prowess to her hometown. Ken Matthews plays in the NFL. Todd and Elizabeth both write for the LA Times ... a pretty major paper for being not even a decade removed from their days at SVU! And how crazy that it's the biggest paper so close to their hometown? Enid Rollins is the best gynecologist in Sweet Valley, despite being a scant 30-years-old, an age at which everyone but Enid and Doogie Howser is still in their residency. Even Caroline Pearce, that crazy gossip that everybody loves to hate, runs a successful blog.

2) Let's talk age. Y'all. There must be a fountain of youth in Sweet Valley! The first book was published in 1983. Yet in 2012 Jessica and Elizabeth - age16 in '83 - are only 30. I was 13 years younger than them all those years ago and now THEY are younger than me? Remember the fits that Claire Pike used to throw in the Babysitters Club series? No feeeeeee-air! (Yeah, thought I'd pull another 90's reference on you!) Although, I'll be honest.  I'm not sure I want to live in a world where the Wakefield twins would be celebrating their 45th birthday this year. 

3) Enid Rollins. Best OBGYN in all if Sweet Valley -- everybody goes to her!  She turned into some sort of evil horsebeast in the years since high school and now everybody hates her.  But they let her get elbow deep in their lady parts? Ex-squeeze me very much? Do me a favor. Think of the person you hated the most in high school. Now. Imagine yourself carrying on a conversation with her while your feet are in stirrups and she is SWABBING YOUR VAGINA. Yeah, not gonna happen. It was bad enough when somebody I knew from high school had to give me a sponge bath in the hospital. And she was somebody I liked! 

You better believe there'll be more about the series to come.  Now while I wait for the last two installments to be released, Imma go in search of Sweet Valley and their fountain of youth . . .

Something Borrowed

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I have been harping on Something Borrowed since I saw the movie a few weeks ago.  I read the book over the weekend and now I'm harping once again.  For the last time.  Probably.  Maybe.  Possibly.  At the very least until I read Something Blue.

I cannot believe I'm about to admit this -- in written form where it can be preserved forever more thanks to Google Cache - but . . . I actually liked the movie better than the book.  I KNOW!  When I revealed this to my husband, he informed me that it was because Jim Halpert - I mean, John Krasinski - was in the movie.  This just goes to show that Eddie is most definitely not a Book Person.  Any Book Person - any real Book Person - knows.  Your very favorite actor can star in a movie based on a book that you only marginally enjoyed and you run a 90% chance of leaving the theater muttering about how you can't believe HE starred in a movie that slaughtered a perfectly good plot line and see if you'll be buying a copy of Us Weekly with HIS face on the cover again.

No.  John Krasinski was perfect in the part of Ethan and I'm pretty sure he had to read the book to "fit" the part the way he did which made me feel like this small kinship with him and I definitely enjoyed him in the movie.  But he's not the reason I liked it better.  It just . . . it was . . . better.  And maybe that's part of the reason I'm about to diss on this whole book/ movie big time.  Because I'm never - never! - supposed to like the movie more than the book.  I feel like a bad Book Person right now.  A really bad one.  Thanks a lot, Emily Griffin.

If you have not read the book/ seen the movie and you don't know want to know any important details (i.e. HOW IT ENDS) please don't read any further.  I'm about to get all kinds of SPOILER ALERT up in here (up in here).

For those of you who aren't awares, or those of you who need a refresher since you read the book when it came out in 2005 and refuse to watch the movie because you're a good Book Person who knows better than to see any movie that's made from a book, here's the basic plot line: Main character Rachel is an attorney in Manhattan.  On the night of her 30th birthday party, she hits the sauce a little hard and ends up doing the no pants dance with her best friend's (Darcy) fiancee (Dex).  Over the course of way too many pages and much analyzing by a Rachel who was extremely more likeable in the movie, Dex and Rachel carry on their affair.  They love each other!  Darcy is the girl we all went to high school with.  You know, the Homecoming Queen who bulldozed over everyone and everything that got in her way and ended up getting whatever she wanted.  She's selfish and rude and we're supposed to hate her because she's, well, selfish and rude.  Rachel wants Dex to call off the wedding and, at first, he tells her that he can't do that to Darcy.  But, like any good Chick Lit, he comes to his senses and calls the wedding off without telling Darcy about his affair with Rachel.  In the end, Darcy finds out about the affair -- but not after she spills the beans that she's been doing a little bit-o, bit-o cheating herself by rolling in the hay with Dex's BFF, Marcus.  And, oh yeah, she's preggers with a Little Marcus.  The friendship is over and ruined but, HEY, it doesn't matter because all four of these horny SOB's have their lusty relationships to keep them going.

There are four things fundamentally wrong with Something Borrowed.  Four reasons it left a bad taste in my mouth even though I plowed through the entire book in a weekend whilst still managed to make sure my children were fed and (mostly) clothed and not killing each other.  I'll break down those four things for you right hurrre.

1) The most obvious: it glorifies cheating.  Basically, everyone cheats on everyone else and it's all okay in the end with the only casualty being a life long friendship.  Say it with me now: Dubya Tee Eff?  That's not okay!  Cheating isn't okay! 
2) The book is totally black and white and things just.aren't.that.way.  The character of Darcy is thoroughly unlikeable.  She's the girl we all love to hate because she gets whatever she wants and she does so by only looking out for number one.  There are very few things about the character that one can find likeable.  She has pretty much ZERO redeeming qualities beyond her pretty face.  And therein lies the problem.  It's not really like that.  There's always a gray area.  No matter how selfish and nasty the person is, there's usually some sort of good about them.  I mean, look at Angelina Jolie.  She's a Brad-stealing, leg-showing harlot but she also ADOPTS BABIES FROM THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES. 

The author paints Darcy as this icky icky poo character because we're supposed to hate her.  And if we hate her then that makes it okay for Dex to cheat on her (yes!  Let the Beautiful Girl Who Always Gets Everything be cheated on for once) and Rachel to betray her friendship.  But ya know what?  Still not okay.  Emily Griffin tries so hard -- too hard -- to get us to hate Darcy and cheer for Rachel and Dex.  I hate that.  Show us the gray area.  Let us feel a little tiny bit of empathy for Darcy.

3) The consequences are glossed over.  Other than the ending of the friendship, we don't see many consequences at all in the movie.  In the book, Rachel's mother calls her and is disappointed.  Those are not real consequences of something this major.  And, even though we get that Darcy is self-centered and Not a Good Person, wouldn't there be just a little more mourning of the death of a friendship you've maintained since elementary school?  Especially a BFF-type friendship?  That's a major consequence and I think it could've . . . should've . . . been highlighted more beyond the "gee, I feel really bad but that beyotch was totes selfish!"

4) It's just not realistic.  I mean, duh, it's a book and I get that.  Hello!  I've read the Twilight series (please don't judge me).  I know not to expect reality in 99.9999% of my fiction reading material.  I get that.  But, for some reason, it pissed me off more than it should have with this book.  If this had of happened in real life, if Rachel and Darcy and Dex were real people and this was a real situation, this would've ended one of two ways:

* Darcy's affair with Marcus - and the subsequent pregnancy - never would've happened.  That's another one of those things the author threw in to make us feel like it was okay that Rachel and Dex were getting it on.  Dex would've gone ahead and married Darcy, if this were real life.  Rachel would've been devastated -- until she shagged Dex in the bathroom during the wedding reception.  They would've carried on their affair for several years, Rachel giving up on a potential suitor here and there because she was so in loooooorve with a man she could never have.  The affair would've finally fizzled out when Dex traded Rachel for a new, blonder, bustier model.

or

* Dex would have called off the marriage and the affair with Rachel would've lasted another week or two.  After suffeciently ruining the friendship between Darcy and Rachel, Dex would've moved on to the next set of BFF's and Rachel would never get over him.  She'd end up swearing off men forever and finally find herself, at age 40, pouring over the information for sperm donors at her local fertility clinic.

Have you read the book?  What did you think?  Am I the only one JUST SO IRRITATED by the whole theme of this book? 

For the record, I've never had a fiancee cheat on me with my BFF so I don't know why this has got my panties so twisted.  There really is no reason for me to be so annoyed by this book.  None!  I'm so annoyed that I wish I COULD give a reason. 

In other book-related news: I downloaded the 50 Shades trilogy over the weekend and started it yesterday.  Ya'll.  I realize that I'm supposed to be all, "OMG, you HAVE to go read this NOW!"  But.  It's . . . well, I'm about 85 or so pages in and I'm just not digging it at this point.  It's so poorly written.  Like, if I see the word "murmur" one more time (is that the only synonym the author knows for said?) I AM GOING TO SCREAM.  Thus far, the main character isn't even slightly relateable or likeable.  Imma give the book another chapter or two but right now?  Yeah.  Not buying the hype.

Irritations: Spring 2012 Edition

I woke up this morning to a light rain.  The house phone rang before 7:30 and woke the baby up (and it was someone calling who KNEW they could potentially wake the baby up).  Kyan stole the last three or four bites of the first donut I have had in longer than I can remember.  I am not in a good mood.  And, therefore, I will share with you my list of Irritations: Spring 2012 Edition. Are you on the edge of your seat with excitement?  Thought so.

1) This pretty gnarly case of writer's block I have going on right now.  I have a ton of unfinished drafts because I just can't find the words to get them out right.  Also, I've only written two posts this week and they've both been lists.  So there ya go.

2) Sidewalk clutter.  I love to walk -- a good portion of the calories I burn in a day, I burn by walking.  And since I have small children and a husband who works long, crazy hours I almost always have to walk with kids in tow.  Which means pushing a double stroller.  Which means it's seriously irritating when people put crap all over their sidewalks.  Mostly, it's not even their fault.  The city is lazy about picking up "excess debris" and will let stacked up tree branches clutter a sidewalk for weeks before removing them.  Assholes.  But there are people down the road from me who did something to the sidewalk in front of their house so they filled the space with . . . sand.  Have you ever tried pushing a stroller through sand?  Impossible.  Have you ever tried pushing a stroller filled with two children around sand?  They kick it and get it in their shoes EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. no matter how much you threaten them that "iftheydoitthistimeSOHELPYOUGODtheywillregretit."

3) My hubs came home from work Tuesday morning (he was working nights) with "flu like symptoms."  Ya'll.  A sick man.  'Nuff said.  I was actually thinking the other day that I'd rather deal with about eight sick children than one sick man but then I remembered last fall when Jaidan and Kyan were doing that tag team projectile vomitting thing. 

4) This whole "if someone doesn't like me, they're just JEALOUS" mentality.  This is not a new irritation.  I get and understand and blah, blah, blah the rational behind "if someone doesn't like me, it's their problem."  Get it.  But you know what?  Sometimes people just don't like you because you're an asshole.  If you have a smokin' hot bod and are a raging beyotch, then people don't hate you because of you're body.  They hate you because you're a raging beyotch.

5) Women who use their weight as a weapon.  You know the type, right?  The ones who don't have any problem throwing around the number on the scale to make other women feel bad.  Those are some toxic bitches, ya'll. 

6) The amount of calories in ONE Cadbury egg.  I will wait and buy them after Easter.  The 50% off counts for the calories too, right?  RIGHT?

7) I've pretty much held my tongue about this whole Trayvon Martin/ George Zimmerman case but I gotta say this now.  You know what pisses me off?  When Zimmerman's attorney alleged that Martin "slammed his head" into the ground several times, TONS of people were saying that they just knew it.  They knew the dude did something to instigate.  I'm not even trying to turn this into anymore of a racial thing but let's look at it as a gender thing: if this asshole had been following a 17-year-old female of ANY race, she decided to defend herself, and he shot her -- seriously, what would people be thinking then?  Since he was following a 17-year-old boy and the boy fought back, it's okay that he was shot?  And, even more than that, it's okay that he was shot because he had an offensive Twitter handle, sent out nasty tweets, and was suspended from school?  Even if he was a little douchebag thug, he didn't deserve to die for it.  He was 17!  How many of us are the same people we were at 17?

8) My email was hacked earlier this week.  Everybody in my address book got a message about how much I hate myself.  What the what what?  Couldn't they have just out a link to some porn?  Sheesh.

9) Time.  In particular, how fast it's speeding by.

This precious girl will be two in less than a week!  On the one hand, I'm so happy to be done with the baby years and (hopefully) diapers will soon be a thing in the past.  I've been changing diapers for nearly six years now!  I've been buying diapers (sometimes for two children) for nearly six years!  I'm so over diapers.  But, on the other hand, we are done with the baby years.  These have been the fastest years of my life.  *Tear*

On "Leaving"

A majority of the blogs I read I do so because I enjoy them.  They are funny or genuine or the bloggers remind me a little of myself.  I appreciate blogs like that and they make up 90% of my blog reading.  I won't lie, though, the other 10%?  I'm a rubbernecker.  I do it.  I read the "HOLY SHIT, THIS IS A TRAINWRECK" blogs just so I can see what happens next.  They're kinda like reality TV.  Believe me, I don't watch Teen Mom 2 because I feel like I have anything at all in common with Jennell.  I watch because it's . . . entertaining.  Because she's a train wreck.  And because I love her mom's accent.  "Keeeefahhhh!"  So, yeah, there are a few blogs that serve the same purpose for me.  (Just, you know, without the accent).

One of those . . . I've been reading for a few years.  In the beginning I read because I could tell she was full of shit and wanted to see just how many ways she could fake the Perfect Mommy routine.  I even linked up to a few of her memes because, well, she had a lot of readers.  (Yeah, I'm pretty sure that makes me an Asshole Blogger.  Believe me, it's not the only thing).  But over the time I've read her, things have gotten more and more bizarre and she's turned into your classic Internet Trainwreck.

The latest in her saga is a separation from her husband.  Apparently.  Thing is -- this woman has announced it as her husband leaving "their family."  Not leaving her.  Not leaving their marriage.  Leaving their family that includes several children.

It's none of my business and I'm allowing a Mommyblogger I don't give two shits about take up way too much residence in my head and I get that.  But, I'm not going to lie, it pisses me off.  Two reasons:

1) She's always painted him as a loving and involved father.  I get that it's a blog and you can't really believe about 85% of how people portray themselves and the people around them.  So if he did actually leave his children then obviously he wasn't just this Really Great Dad that she made him out to be.  Which makes her a pretty big asshole.  I don't understand why people can't just be real.  You don't have to come out and blog with "my husband is an douchebag who doesn't have much to do with our kids and I have to do it all by myself" but you also don't have to MAKE IT ALL UP either.  There's this happy little medium. You know, like, maybe just not even mentioning him or his relationship with the kids at all.  And, seriously, considering this guy was a STAY AT HOME DAD at one point I really, seriously just . . . come on . . . that brings me to number two . . .

2) I just have a really hard time believing that the man walked out on her AND all their children.  I really think she's using the phrase "left our family" when she really means "left our marriage" and this makes me want to PUNCH HER IN THE FACE.  Punch her in the face!!

It's not fair to her kids who can, one day, google and see that their mother insinuated that their father left ALL of them.  That is so not cool.  So, so not cool.  It's called "parental alienation" and I think anyone who pulls that shit should be kicked in the babymaker and then be forced to turn over half their salary for the child's future therapy bills.

It's also not fair to every woman - or man - who HAS had a partner leave them and the kids.

I am hesitant about even writing this because I know that one day my kid will also be able to google and can very well find and read this.  I want him to be able to form his own opinions about his biological father.  I don't want to be responsible for how he feels about him one way or the other. 

But the thing is . . . the pain of realizing that the person who helped you make a child chooses not to be involved in their life . . . there really is no way to put that feeling into words.  It hurts.  There isn't even anything I can compare it to.  I can remember when Jaidan was just tiny and I heard the song I Loved Her First.  It's supposed to be a song about a father's love -- a song that would be played during the father/ daughter dance at a wedding.  But part of the song says this:

I loved her first and I held her first

And a place in my heart will always be hers

From the first breath she breathed

When she first smiled at me

The love of a father runs deep

Sooooo sweet right?  Yeah, notsomuch if you're dealing with realizing that the father of your child doesn't feel that way.  The love I have for my children is so deep and unconditional.  I had never, ever in my life loved anybody as much as I loved Jaidan the first time I held him -- not even close.  And it's so hard to feel that love as a mother and realize that the person you're supposed to co-parent with isn't ready for fatherhood yet.  It's a special kind of pain and to have a Mommyblogger on a mission for clicks bastardize it by throwing around phrases is just . . . no words.

I feel incredibly lucky that I was able to meet and marry a man willing to step into the role of Daddy.  I have never been divorced and hope and pray it's something I never have to go through.  But I can't imagine -- I can't comprehend -- taking from my children the fact that their father was a good dad!  If we were to split, I hope I would have the good sense (and good taste!) to keep anything involving the children OUT of it.  And definitely not splash all over the internet that Daddy was leaving "the family" -- regardless of whether it was true or not. 

I'm trying to come up with a good parallel to compare what this feels like.  It's sort of like those women who have a husband out of town on business for a week that go onto Facebook and post that their life is falling apart.  They miss their man so much!  They don't know how they'll go on!  Every time I see those I can't help but wonder what the Military Wife who is enduring her husband's fifth deployment . . . how does she feel reading stuff like that?  Maybe it's like telling a woman who has been trying - unsuccessfully - to get pregnant for three years that you know what it's like because it took you six months to get pregnant with your second child.  It's sort of the same.  Taking a marital separation and turning it into "my husband is leaving me AND my kids" -- that feels like a kick in the stomach to anyone who has had a man walk out on their children.  You don't know how it feels.  And you are triviliazing how it really feels!  (Asshole!)

Maybe this blogger is telling the truth.  Maybe she's not embellishing.  I doubt it but it is, of course, possible.  If that's the case then I apologize for jumping to conclusions.  But I stand by everything I've said.  Villafying a man as a father (or a woman has a mother) because you are mad at them or hurt by what they've done to you is disgusting.  Before you call your ex-husband a "sperm donor" in a moment of anger you need to think about what so many people go through every single day.  My son's father hasn't seen Jaidan since he was two and a half months old.  He's never spoken to him on the phone and wouldn't even know him if he was to see him!  I have friends who get child support deposits for five dollars.  For a month's worth of support!  If your ex has the kids every other weekend, if he calls to talk to them, if he remembers their birthday and he's involved with their lives . . . he didn't leave the family.  He left you.  And family just takes on a slightly different form, the word has a bit of a new meaning for you.  For him.  For your children.  But nobody left the family.  And to imply otherwise . . . that makes you such an unbelievable asshole.  And I'll even hashtag that statement with a #realtalk.

The Momtographer

Back in the days when I was working in a police station (and by working I mean spending an hour doing filing and answering phone calls; spending seven hours playing on the internet) I was heavily into various groups on CafeMom.  (I was also heavily into Myspace -- how things change).  It was during this time that I found out I was a horrible mother for working, not breastfeeding, and vaccinating and that I didn't "really give birth" because I had a c-section and therefore "took the easy way out."  Anyone who considers a c-section the easiest way out has, obvs, never had abdominal surgery.  Anycompetimommy, one of my groups at that time did something called "Real Life Irritations" wherein, once a week, we'd all bitch about whatever things in "real life" pissed us off.  There was also a weekly "CafeMom Irritations" thread which was - you guessed it - things on the Interwebz that got our panties bunched.

This was about five(ish) years ago and, in that time, Mark Zuckerberg has taken over the world and the line between "real life" and "internet" has grown even fainter.  Thanks to Facebook it seems like everything "internet" is also "real life."  It makes my head hurt sometimes.

Here is my Real Life Internet Irritation for this Friday.

The momtographer.

I hate that 94% of bored stay at home moms who possess a fancy camera, a copy of Photoshop, and the ability to download The Pioneer Woman's action set thinks she can hang out her internet shingle and charge he friends, family, former high school classmates, and unsuspecting local assholes $400 to take their pictures.  Part of this "hate" could be that I am a bored stay at home mom but I do not possess a fancy pants camera because I've broken three and a half cameras during the duration of my marriage and, therefore, my husband refuses to spend more than the cost of a Canon point and shoot.

The momtographers are all over my Facebook.  Friends are asking me to vote for their baybeeeez to win free photo shoots.  Families I know are being tagged in a momtographer's "sneak peeks."  And some of these momtographers -- they really are GOOD and have the talent to charge what they charge.  Some of them.  And even those make me want to poke myself in the eye when it comes to two things:

1) Boudoir photo shoots - I don't understand this.  Why in the WORLD would I want a picture of a half naked me with all my stretch marks and cellulite photoshopped out so that I can look at it and get depressed?  I see them advertised with things like "let us help you feel good about yourself!"  Help me feel good about myself by making me look COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY not like ME?  As far as women who get them done for their men . . . I can't help but wonder how many men stare at those pictures and think to themselves, "hey, hey, heyyyyy!  So THIS is what she'd look like if she worked out!" or "Damn, I really wish I'd known her when she was 19 and her body really did look like this!"  I just . . . I can't, don't, whatever get wanting a picture of yourself that's been photoshopped to fake perfection.  I'd much rather look at a real picture of myself and think, "Hmm, that ain't to bad" than get depressed looking at a picture of what some overzealous momtographer photoshopped me into being.

2) Newborn photo shoots - The shoots in and of themselves I don't have a problem with.  I think baby girls in tutus and Big Ass Bows are adorable.  I love the ones of little boys all snuggled up with a football.  Adorbs.  But, for the love of all that's holy, PEOPLE, can we please, please, please stop stuffing babies into stockings and pumpkins and their daddy's Army boots?  And, while we're at it, let's quit putting an entire garden worth of flowers on their heads.  Ditto crowns.  And STOP HANGING THEM FROM SHIT or PERCHING THEM ON TOP OF SHIT.  It's a baby; not a prop.  There's nothing wrong with sweet pictures of mom looking adoringly at Baby or Dad and Baby nose to nose.  And I am one of those assholes who swoons when I see a picture of baby feet.  THAT is newborn photography.  Not that stupid picture making the rounds on Pinterest for ages that shows Big Sister opening the front door to see Baby in a basket on the doormat.  That?  THAT is stupid.

Sometimes I wish we could go back to the days of Sears portrait studio with their fake leaves backdrop.

** If you're a Momtographer who does boudoir shoots, I understand it's big bidness for you and you gotta make your money.  Keep on Photoshopping out that cellulite if it helps you pay your bills!  But can you please, please, stop stuffing babies into shit?  Please?

Social Conscious

My husband and I are both sort of obssessed with the Penn State scandal.  I'm not sure if obssessed is the right word.  But we both feel like we have to watch every news report or interview related to the scandal.  We read every article.  We Googled Jerry Sandusky the other night to find out if he's married (yes with six (adopted) children, fostered many children over the years, and lives in the neighborhood of an elementary school.  Your basic Resume of a Pedophile).  Every evening, Eddie comes home and tells me the latest people are saying at work about the whole disgusting mess.  So, yeah, maybe we're a little obssessed.

I think our obssession is based on two things:

1) I'm a college football fan.  A HUGE college football fan.  Eddie would rather watch NFL or - much preferable to him - basketball.  But I'm a fan and therefore he is a college football fan by default.  I grew up with a dad who hated Penn State so I guess some of that probably trickled down to me.  Not that I necessarily hate the football program but the "Penn State Hate" was ingrained in me enough that I instantly scrunch my nose when I see them in the Top 25.

2) Most importantly, we are parents.  We are parents to two little boys.  And we are horrified by this.  We are horrified that it happened.  We are horrified that it was covered up for so long.  We are horrified at the thought of how many more little boys were victimized because of the cover up.  We are horrified that we actually agree with Sarah Palin on something.  And we are horrified that so many people actually defended Joe Paterno and his actions concerning the cover up.

We watched the Sandusky interview with Bob Costas on Monday night.  (Side note: I'm pretty sure it's a sign you're getting old when you're excited that a new news magazine show is coming on.  And on Monday night -- when there's nothing else you want to watch on the tube!  I love Dateline and 48 Hours and 20/20 and now NBC has gone and blessed me with Rock Center and thrown in a little bit of Brian Williams [hey there eye candy!  Wait, What?])

I digress.  We watched the interview Monday night and I don't know how anyone could have watched it and NOT come out with the conclusion that he is guilty as hell. 

When Bob Costas asked "are you sexually attracted to young boys, to underage boys?" this was his answer:

::Pause::
Am I sexually attracted to underage boys?  Sexually attracted, you know, I enjoy young people.  I love to be around them.  But, no, I am not sexually attracted to young boys.

(If you want to read the full interview with Sandusky and his slimeball lawyer, you can read it here.  Also, the snarky side of me wants to point out that Sandusky did not know the meaning of culpable.  That's a Penn State grad for ya . . . )

As soon as he said, "I enjoy young people" in that interview I wanted to throw up.  I literally felt sick at my stomach.  His answer seemed like total pedophile speak and it made me want to throw up.  And to punch Sandusky, Paterno, and three Penn State sorority girls in the face.  I cannot believe this man was caught preying on young boys and allowed to continue to do so.  If he committed crimes in a place so open as the locker room showers, then what went on behind closed doors? 

What bothers me the most, hands down, is the little boys who had their innocence stolen.  It bothers me that this man thinks he can get away with saying "oh, it was just a shower and I wish I hadn't done it" or "oh, it was just naked horseplay and I promise I'll never do it again."  You do not shower with children.  My boys are 3.5 and 5 and that, in my opinion, is too old for me to continue to shower with them.  And I'm their mother!  And, please, don't get me started on the "it was just horseplay."  Horseshit. 

Believe me, all of that bothers me.  Greatly.  I'm heartbroken for those little boys and I'm heartbroken or their parents. 

But it also bothers the parent in ME.  It bothers me for my own children.  It bothers me to know that society as a whole has developed an "I'm not going to get involved" attitude to the point that we would allow children to be victimized.  Let's be real.  Sandusky was forced to retire in 1999.  He was caught, received a hand slap, and sent on his way.  Anyone with half a brain can put two and two together and realize that.  He obviously victimized another little boy in 2002.  And, I'm sure, countless others after that.  Can you imagine?  Can you imagine being a parent to one of those boys who was raped after 1999?  2002?  Can  you imagine knowing that an entire football program KNEW about it and basically did nothing to stop it? 

It's just scary!  Every parent out there knows that no one cares about our children and their safety as much as we do.  But we also like to think that based on the simple fact that they are children that other people can be trusted to step in and do the right thing when something is amiss.  We like to think that people will meet their moral obligations and protect our children.  And this case proves, if nothing else, that won't always happen.  It proves that we live in a society where the reputation of a football program is more important than protecting the innocence of our children.  This case -- and Joe Paterno and Graham Spanier and everyone else who knew what was going on and never went to the police - has shown that we are the only ones who are looking out for our own children.  And that's just sad and disgusting and heart breaking.

The Ignorance

I realize that the citizens Mississippi and Tennessee are stereotyped as not being the smartest of folks, the brightest of people.  But sometimes the level of ignorance of people in my geographical region is just . . . no words.  What is it about the abortion debate that turns people into ignorant, poo-flinging bafoons?

Yesterday was Election Day in Mississippi.  On the ballot, was this little thing called the Personhood Ammendment.  Basically, it was an ammendment aimed at getting around Roe vs. Wade.  But, in doing so, it determined that life began at fertilization. 

Fertilization.  Sperm meets egg.  Here's the deal: half - half! - of fertilized eggs never implant in a woman's uterus.  Sometimes the fertilized egg is flushed out in a heavier-than-normal period.  Most of the time women never even knew they were carrying a potential pregnancy.

And the state of Mississippi wanted to define the fertilized egg as a person with the same rights as me and you.  The language in the bill was amiguous to the point that it could have outlawed hormonal birth control, IUD's, IVF, and even the right for a pregnant cancer pateint to receive treatment.  It would have made it so that a woman with an ectopic pregnancy would have had to remove the entire tube (rendering her infertile) in order to terminate the pregnancy.  It would've outlawed certain ablations that are necessary for female health.  All I can really say about that is this: !!!!!!!!!!

In the interest of full dislosure, I will tell you that I consider myself to be pro-choice.  This does not mean I'm pro-abortion.  I don't believe in abortion as means of birth control.  And people on all sides of the debate confuse me.  I've seen a 7-week fetus on an ultrasound screen with a beating heart.  You cannot tell me that's simply a mass of cells.   At the same time, I don't believe a woman who is raped should be forced to face the psychological ramifications of carrying her rapists baby and then either raising a child who is half the man who attacked her or giving away a child who is half her.  I also don't understand why so many ardent pro-lifers only seem to care about a pregnancy before it is actually born and takes it's first breath.  Have you noticed that?  It seems as though so many people who identify with pro-life also don't believe in social services . . . in free or subsidized healthcare of even programs like WIC.  It's such a contradiction to me.

Since I live in Memphis, I'm right on the Mississippi state line.  Which means we heard a lot - a lot - about the Personhood Ammendment.  It also means my local news station's Facebook page became a breeding ground for every halfway literate idiot in the tri-state area.

I don't understand WHY people couldn't understand this ammendment was a horrible thing.

I get that the Yes on 26 people marketed it as an anti-abortion bill to a very conservative state.  But all it took was a little bit of research to understand that the bill was so much more than that -- that it took away so many rights!  I wonder, if the state of Mississippi decided to take it one step further and outlaw male masturbation (after all, all those little spermies are potential  babies, no?) . . . people would have been outraged, right?  But since it was made to be about women and the a-word was thrown into the debate over and over and over again, it was okay to remove certain rights.  It was okay to remove the right to seek hormonal birth control.  It was okay to remove the right of a cancer patient to seek treatment because the life of the fetus she was carrying was more important than HER life.  It was okay to remove all those rights.  In the name of attempting to get around Roe v. Wade.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

The Personhood Ammendment was, thankfully, shot down by Mississippi voters.  But something like 30% of people STILL voted for it. 

The News Facebook page blew up last night.  Here are just a few gems:

this a sad day in ms. God will take care of all those that voted no everyone as a choice but god gave his only son for us and we cant as astate give him this..sad very sad 

All the people that voted no. When God ask you what you voted on 26 what will you tell him

 Everyone will stand on their judgement day. Murder is murder and it's wrong in gods eyes so it Shuld be wrong in ours

The woman who got pregnant had the chance to keep her pants up maybe he should think about that next time u wanna go out and do it with your boyfriend who u know that won't stay if u get pregnant!!!! and I'm from Mississippi I vote yes!!!!

Do you think god approves of abortion?

Everything happens for a reason I may only be a teenager but I have done my research. Abortion is MURDER, MURDER IS A CRIME!
What did the baby do to you?
There is other options! Adoption is one of the safe ones!
So you need to think would God approve of this!

(These are just a very, very few.  I could make four whole posts of all the "WTF" statements).

And here was me, in bed last night, reading these comments from my phone: "IT WAS NOT ABOUT ABORTION, YOU DUMBASS!"

It's so scary to think that because abortion is such a hot topic, something that people are so passionate about it, that there are people who will completely skirt the other issues.  People were willing to take away so many other rights just to get around the Roe V. Wade decision!  That is scary, ya'll!