On "Leaving"


A majority of the blogs I read I do so because I enjoy them.  They are funny or genuine or the bloggers remind me a little of myself.  I appreciate blogs like that and they make up 90% of my blog reading.  I won't lie, though, the other 10%?  I'm a rubbernecker.  I do it.  I read the "HOLY SHIT, THIS IS A TRAINWRECK" blogs just so I can see what happens next.  They're kinda like reality TV.  Believe me, I don't watch Teen Mom 2 because I feel like I have anything at all in common with Jennell.  I watch because it's . . . entertaining.  Because she's a train wreck.  And because I love her mom's accent.  "Keeeefahhhh!"  So, yeah, there are a few blogs that serve the same purpose for me.  (Just, you know, without the accent).

One of those . . . I've been reading for a few years.  In the beginning I read because I could tell she was full of shit and wanted to see just how many ways she could fake the Perfect Mommy routine.  I even linked up to a few of her memes because, well, she had a lot of readers.  (Yeah, I'm pretty sure that makes me an Asshole Blogger.  Believe me, it's not the only thing).  But over the time I've read her, things have gotten more and more bizarre and she's turned into your classic Internet Trainwreck.

The latest in her saga is a separation from her husband.  Apparently.  Thing is -- this woman has announced it as her husband leaving "their family."  Not leaving her.  Not leaving their marriage.  Leaving their family that includes several children.

It's none of my business and I'm allowing a Mommyblogger I don't give two shits about take up way too much residence in my head and I get that.  But, I'm not going to lie, it pisses me off.  Two reasons:

1) She's always painted him as a loving and involved father.  I get that it's a blog and you can't really believe about 85% of how people portray themselves and the people around them.  So if he did actually leave his children then obviously he wasn't just this Really Great Dad that she made him out to be.  Which makes her a pretty big asshole.  I don't understand why people can't just be real.  You don't have to come out and blog with "my husband is an douchebag who doesn't have much to do with our kids and I have to do it all by myself" but you also don't have to MAKE IT ALL UP either.  There's this happy little medium. You know, like, maybe just not even mentioning him or his relationship with the kids at all.  And, seriously, considering this guy was a STAY AT HOME DAD at one point I really, seriously just . . . come on . . . that brings me to number two . . .

2) I just have a really hard time believing that the man walked out on her AND all their children.  I really think she's using the phrase "left our family" when she really means "left our marriage" and this makes me want to PUNCH HER IN THE FACE.  Punch her in the face!!

It's not fair to her kids who can, one day, google and see that their mother insinuated that their father left ALL of them.  That is so not cool.  So, so not cool.  It's called "parental alienation" and I think anyone who pulls that shit should be kicked in the babymaker and then be forced to turn over half their salary for the child's future therapy bills.

It's also not fair to every woman - or man - who HAS had a partner leave them and the kids.

I am hesitant about even writing this because I know that one day my kid will also be able to google and can very well find and read this.  I want him to be able to form his own opinions about his biological father.  I don't want to be responsible for how he feels about him one way or the other. 

But the thing is . . . the pain of realizing that the person who helped you make a child chooses not to be involved in their life . . . there really is no way to put that feeling into words.  It hurts.  There isn't even anything I can compare it to.  I can remember when Jaidan was just tiny and I heard the song I Loved Her First.  It's supposed to be a song about a father's love -- a song that would be played during the father/ daughter dance at a wedding.  But part of the song says this:

I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
The love of a father runs deep

Sooooo sweet right?  Yeah, notsomuch if you're dealing with realizing that the father of your child doesn't feel that way.  The love I have for my children is so deep and unconditional.  I had never, ever in my life loved anybody as much as I loved Jaidan the first time I held him -- not even close.  And it's so hard to feel that love as a mother and realize that the person you're supposed to co-parent with isn't ready for fatherhood yet.  It's a special kind of pain and to have a Mommyblogger on a mission for clicks bastardize it by throwing around phrases is just . . . no words.

I feel incredibly lucky that I was able to meet and marry a man willing to step into the role of Daddy.  I have never been divorced and hope and pray it's something I never have to go through.  But I can't imagine -- I can't comprehend -- taking from my children the fact that their father was a good dad!  If we were to split, I hope I would have the good sense (and good taste!) to keep anything involving the children OUT of it.  And definitely not splash all over the internet that Daddy was leaving "the family" -- regardless of whether it was true or not. 

I'm trying to come up with a good parallel to compare what this feels like.  It's sort of like those women who have a husband out of town on business for a week that go onto Facebook and post that their life is falling apart.  They miss their man so much!  They don't know how they'll go on!  Every time I see those I can't help but wonder what the Military Wife who is enduring her husband's fifth deployment . . . how does she feel reading stuff like that?  Maybe it's like telling a woman who has been trying - unsuccessfully - to get pregnant for three years that you know what it's like because it took you six months to get pregnant with your second child.  It's sort of the same.  Taking a marital separation and turning it into "my husband is leaving me AND my kids" -- that feels like a kick in the stomach to anyone who has had a man walk out on their children.  You don't know how it feels.  And you are triviliazing how it really feels!  (Asshole!)

Maybe this blogger is telling the truth.  Maybe she's not embellishing.  I doubt it but it is, of course, possible.  If that's the case then I apologize for jumping to conclusions.  But I stand by everything I've said.  Villafying a man as a father (or a woman has a mother) because you are mad at them or hurt by what they've done to you is disgusting.  Before you call your ex-husband a "sperm donor" in a moment of anger you need to think about what so many people go through every single day.  My son's father hasn't seen Jaidan since he was two and a half months old.  He's never spoken to him on the phone and wouldn't even know him if he was to see him!  I have friends who get child support deposits for five dollars.  For a month's worth of support!  If your ex has the kids every other weekend, if he calls to talk to them, if he remembers their birthday and he's involved with their lives . . . he didn't leave the family.  He left you.  And family just takes on a slightly different form, the word has a bit of a new meaning for you.  For him.  For your children.  But nobody left the family.  And to imply otherwise . . . that makes you such an unbelievable asshole.  And I'll even hashtag that statement with a #realtalk.
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