I will take your Competimommy Lunch Bullcrap and Raise you by one MYKID IS BETTER THAN YOUR KID ANYWAY SO HE CAN EAT CRAP IF HE WANTS TO


I wish I could lie to you all right now and say something like, "I totally had not thought about it until a few minutes ago but, oh em gee!!!!, I have to pack a school lunch this year."  Believe me.  I have thought about the school lunch thing.  Because apparently, ya'll, the Art of the Packed Lunch is the latest event in the Competimommy Olympics.  It's all over Pinterest.  And it is ri-expletive-diculous.

I read on a blog the other day - I blog I actually like and don't just read for snark factor! - where the author said something along the lines of, "preparing lunch is one of the most important thingamajigs about getting ready for school."  (Totes paraphrased).  Exsqueeze me very much?  I love food.  Probably more than the average bear.  But I kind of tend to think filling their minds is more important than filling their tummies with butterfly shaped sandwiches and organic beet paste.  (Is beet paste even real?  Cause I totally made it up).

I get it that my generation is a bunch of Fattie McFatFats who inhaled twinkies and lived off of packed lunches that contained my bologna has a first name . . .   But it's like so many people have gotten to the point that they want better for their own children that they - I'm assuming - spend way too much time (not to mention money) on lunch.  LUNCH.  There comes a point where you gotta ask -- is it for the kid?  Or is to look better in the eyes of the fellow competimommies who are, hello, NOT EVEN IN THE CAFETERIA?  Do you really think little Makayla is going to run home and give a full report on what kind of organic crap Tyler was shoveling into his pie hole in the cafeteria?  No.  Because Tyler is going to try to broker a trade for someone else's corndog and Jello.

Even though I don't (okay, okay -- try not to) buy into the competimommy bologna, I'm still stressing a little over lunches. For starters, I know my kid is an asshole when he has too much processed foods, a detail it would be nice to keep under wraps from his teacher until at least September. Then you add in the whole fact that you have to pack something that'll keep in the lunchbox. Oh, and he's in kindergarten. So they'll probably eat lunch at, like, 8:45 in the morning and therefore he needs enough grub to sustain him until he gets home at 3:00. If ya think the kid's a little shit when he eats too much processed junk, try being around him when he's hungry ...

Luckily, this is my child who'll eat just about anything. Next year when it's Kyan who is in school I'll really be in trouble considering the kid doesn't like anything unless it starts with "hot" and ends with "dog." I let Jaidan pick out some lunch goodies the other day and he chose .... hummus, carrots, and celery. The only thing he wanted that would make the organimommy raise a (perfectly arched) eyebrow was Gogurt. This mom can deal. It's not like I really expected him to take a lunchbox full of alfalfa sprouts and tofu burgers (again, are tofu burgers real?). I'd have chosen the Hostess cupcakes myself.

I realize I'm obsessing much - I get that, I'm beginning to annoy myself - but, ya'll, why didn't anyone tell me this kindergarten stuff would be so HARD?  We spent his college fund just in school supplies and uniforms.  There's this whole lunch thing.  There are my overwhelming worries that he's going to tell all of our (embarrassing) business to his teacher (belive me, ya'll, I used to work with kids.  And guess what?  If your kids happen to know that you and Daddy took a shower together that morning, they can't WAIT to blab it to their entire class), that he's going to call someone an "asshole," that he's going to stick a crayone in his ear during naptime, that he's going to be THAT kid who eats glue.  I know that there will be tears (mine) when I take him to school for the first time tomorrow.  But you know what?  I'm to the point that I'm ready to just get.it.over.with.  I know the kid is going to be fine in kindergarten (please don't call anyone an asshole, please don't call anyone an asshole, please don't call anyone an asshole) but the way I'm stressing over lunches and the competimommies?  And I still have TWO MORE kids to put through kindergarten?  I might not survive!
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