Kindergarten. It's Scary Stuff.


Three months from now, Jaidan will be full entrenched into kindergarten.  I'll have graduated from "parent of toddler/ preschoolers" to "parent of toddler/ preschooler/ elementary schooler.  Not to sound like a total asshole or anything but most of the time I feel like doing this when I think about him going to school:

I love my kid like crazy but the thing about the chaos of having three small children in the house with you all day, every day?  Sending one of them off to school for several hours a day is tantamount to a beach vacation.  It's going to be . . . refreshing.  Don't get me wrong -- I can't believe the fattest baby ever is going to kindergarten already.

See?  Such a fat little roly poly baby!

I know that I'll miss him.  Or, at least I think I will.  But on days when he argues with me or turns up his nose at his lunch or calls his brother a "poo poo brain," I dream lustily of kindergarten and can't help but think on that first day I'll be all "PAR-TAY!"

Then there is this other part of me who has turned into some neurotic worrying FREAK.  Kindergarten - school - is a whole new ballgame for us.  And, I guess since it's the biggest changer (thus far) in the Bird's life it has me all a big ball of nerves.  I don't like this.  I'm not good at being a big ball of nerves.  But I can't help it.  I worry!  I'm worried about the first time that Jaidan realizes there's someone out there that doesn't like him (I know this will probably hurt MY feelings worse than HIS).  I'm worried that his teacher will be an asshole and he'll hate school.  I'm worried that, thanks to the teen pregnancy epidemic in Memphis, I'll be a good decade older than the moms of his classmates and during their little "holiday" party they'll all sneer at me and be like, "who let the Granny in?"  I'm worried that he'll be more advanced and, therefore, bored.  I'm worried that he won't be as advanced and, therefore, behind.

And, people.  Oh my gosh, people.  I am so worried about older siblings.

See, I happen to think that most five-year-olds are inherently innocent.  They don't just know stuff, you know?  They have to be taught it.  And who teaches them?  Their older brothers and sisters.

When it comes to older siblings, Jaidan definitely lucked out. Please don't get me wrong. He and Z fuss and fight and argue and call each other all manner of "crybaby" and "booger faced booty head." And there are most def times when I wish we were living in rural Arkansas and it was the late 1980's and I could lock them outside* while yelling, "And I don't CARE if you go tell your granny on me, assholes!"** without anyone calling CPS on me.

* My mom TOTALLY did this.
** She never called us assholes***, though, unless she just muttered it under her breath. Which I'm pretty sure she did.
***Actually she would've just said, "asshole" and she would've been referring to my brother. I've been afflicted with this perfectness since birth, y'all.

Anyway. My point. While Z and J will fight and carry on like their lives depend on it, Z is still a good big sister. And, by that, I mean she's not teaching Jaidan dirty words or helping him look up porn on the Internet. The worst thing she's taught him is the story of Jesus dying on the cross. That in itself wasn't so bad but she didn't spare any details and also didn't differentiate between the baby Jesus and the 33-year-old man who was crucified. So for weeks Jaidan was having fairly gruesome nightmares about a baby being hung in a cross.  It pissed me off a little bit, at the time, but the way I see it - that story is much better than her letting him sneak into her room at night to watch Freddy Krueger slaughter a few people via DirecTV.

For all I know, though, there could be some five-year-old right now who is suspended from preschool because he got caught drawing pictures of naked ladies like the ones he saw in his older brother's - who probably has some dumb name like Butch - magazines.  And that little five-year-old just cannot WAIT to get to kindergarten and scratch the f-word into his desk and tell all the kids on the playground about blowjobs.  And, OMG, my baby is going to leave for kindergarten in August being totally oblivious to anything other than a world that's centered around Transformers and Power Rangers and he'll come home with parts of his innocence chipped away and an increased vocabulary.  He is going to grow up

Thing is, I have no desire to raise my kids in some sort of glass bubble.  They need to be out in the world and out from under my protective wing.  I know that a glass bubble existence is not good for anyone.  I get that.  But Jaidan has been home with me since he was 14 months old.  We never did preschool.  This - kindergarten - will be the first time he's been "out in the world" without me right along there behind him, telling him it might not be the best idea to BFF up with the kid who is using obscenities on the playground.

I know I'm being irrational and a little crazy but it's all new territory.  And I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for it yet.
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